


Like Vines, We Intertwined

by priestessamy



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harem, F/F, Multi, Trans Female Character, Trans Victoria Chase, shameless self indulgence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 27,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priestessamy/pseuds/priestessamy
Summary: Everyone wants Kate, to an almost ridiculous extent.
Relationships: Kate Marsh/Chloe Price, Maxine "Max" Caulfield/Kate Marsh, Rachel Amber/Chloe Price, Rachel Amber/Kate Marsh, Victoria Chase/Kate Marsh
Comments: 124
Kudos: 105





	1. You Are Pretty Down To Your Bones

_This fic is inspired by[some beautiful fan-art](https://twitter.com/kako_to_mirai/status/1025601609349267456), not to mention the members of my Chasemarsh discord group. _

* * *

My name is Kate Marsh. I'm a student at Blackwell Academy. And up until a few weeks ago, my life was really normal. I came from a super traditional family - a mom, a dad, two younger sisters. I attend church every Sunday, and I run my school's chapter of Meals on Wheels, plus I run a bible study. I always thought of myself as pretty plain and boring. My only goal in life is to write and illustrate a children's book.

Then, Max Caulfield entered my life. And with her came Chloe Price, and Rachel Amber, and the next thing I knew, nothing was the same anymore. I looked in the mirror and saw someone who was and yet wasn't me. A better me. A version of me that my parents might not like so much. But this new Kate Marsh doesn't care about that so much anymore.

This bold new Kate... is in love. A lot.

* * *

It started, as many things do, with Max. From her first moment here at Blackwell, she approached me with a warmth I hadn't known in ages. And I guess I sort of knew implicitly right away that she liked me in a way that wasn't just friendly. But... I was a good church girl, and good church girls didn't do that sort of thing. I wanted to push her away, and keep myself safe and pure. That lasted for all of about a week. Max came up to me after class looking quite serious.

"Kate, you're looking absolutely worn out, is everything okay?"

_Oh yes, Max. Everything is wonderful. I'm just trying my best to push you away gently so that you don't hate me. And how are you doing on this fine day?_ I feel as though I often had to let these little statements run through my head to avoid saying them out loud. Again, I was a good christian girl. You never say anything mean unless it includes the phrase 'bless their heart'. "Oh, you don't need to worry about me. I think I'm just running into that early-semester wall where I remember how hard school can be."

"You know what you need?"

I was wary, to say the least. But also curious to see where this was going. "Time powers, so that I can have a three-day weekend whenever I like?"

She just laughed, a bubbly and delightful sound. "A tea date. I think it would do you a world of good."

What I meant to do was gently turn her down, and then go hide in my dorm. Instead, I heard myself utter the words "That sounds lovely, thank you Max."

So, we got tea. And then we did it again. And it became a routine for us. I suspected, or perhaps hoped, that would be the extent of things. And maybe it would have been, had she not invited her friend Chloe along, along with her girlfriend Rachel. In my childish innocence, the closest point of comparison I had was that we were on a kind of double date. Perhaps if that were the case, things would be quite different now.

* * *

Once we had our drinks, we went into a charming little corner booth composed of a single rounded seat. Chloe gestured grandly to the booth. "Ladies first~"

I looked in Rachel's direction, assuming she meant her, only to find that everyone was looking directly at me. Flushing, I took my place in the middle. Max slid in next to me on one side, while her friends had a protracted silent conversation held entirely through significant glances. At some point, Rachel finally seemed to achieve victory with a quiet checkmate, then eagerly settled in next to me. I couldn't tell at the time if the way her hips bumped mine was accidental or playful. I would figure it out eventually. I would also find out why Chloe looked a bit grumpy the whole time.

"Sooooo, Max tells us you're quite the little angel." Rachel's voice was practically dripping with honey. It was, um. I mean, it was nice. In hindsight I'm perfectly happy to say that. But at the time, it was just another bullet point on a long list of things that made me feel very ashamed. "All that charity and stuff? You're pretty awesome."

"Yeah, what're you doing slumming it Max? You can do so much better than her." Chloe's grin was like a knife, beautiful and a bit dangerous.

My face was lit up like a Christmas tree. I felt hot and confused and scared and excited. Something was going on and I just didn't understand it in the slightest. So I sipped at my tea and mumbled something about how Max was amazing, and if anything, she could do better than me. And as soon as I said that, all three of them took it as an invitation to start heaping compliments and praise on her.

"No way, I bet you're mad talented!"

"Here, look at this drawing she did for me!"

"Oh my god that's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen. How precious is she?"

By the time our tea date was over, I felt exhausted. They all offered to hang out with me more, but I gave some kind of thinly-veiled excuse and rushed back to my dorm to hide and decompress. That didn't last very long at all, of course. There was a knock at my door, and standing on the other side was probably the last person I expected to see: Victoria Chase.

* * *

I should probably take a second here to explain who Victoria is.

I hesitate to say she's a bad person, exactly. She's smart, and pretty, and talented. But it makes me think about this psychology class I took. I know guys like Jung aren't exactly popular anymore, but there was something about his concept of a Shadow that stuck with me. And Victoria absolutely represents my shadow. Everything I could be if I were more confident.

And I have a sneaking suspicion that she thinks very much the same way about me. Or at least that's the only reason I can imagine for the kind of hell she usually gives me. No matter what I do, it seems to rub her the wrong way. If I answer a question right in class, she says I look like I've been studying all night - a very Mean Girls-esque way of pointing out my baggy eyes. If I get something wrong, I probably shouldn't be raising my hand. My religious upbringing is a source of great amusement to her.

To have someone like her knocking on my door meant nothing but trouble.

* * *

Her arms were crossed, hips cocked out, one eyebrow slightly raised, lips in a perfectly composed smirk. Victoria was in full effect. "Kate Marsh. Wow. Who would have ever suspected that Little Miss Jesus Freak would be looking to join a _ménage à quatre_ with Maxine Caulfield. I mean truly, the epitome of hypocritical."

I was, needless to say, floored. Never once during our entire afternoon had any of them so much as uttered anything resembling a proposition. I mean... they had been a little bit flirtatious, but I had assumed that was just the way they acted. Still, it wasn't just the shock of how Victoria addressed me, it was all of the underlying subtext that truly shook me. She had new ammo now, she had a way to hurt me, and a clear desire to do so. "Listen, I don't know what you're getting at, but you've completely misread this entire thing. Max just wanted to bring her friends along for our weekly tea date." As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I had screwed up.

Victoria's grin only got more wicked. "Oh, I see, my apologies. You're gay for Max, she's gay for Chloe, and Chloe has had Rachel Amber firmly between her thighs for almost two years. I definitely misread things." She spun on her heel, heading back for her room. "You have a nice night, Katie~"

So. I shut my door, and threw myself onto my bed, and hid away from the world under my covers. Not because I was terrified of Victoria spreading a bunch of rumors about me. That was something I could probably survive. It was the nagging thought that she might be right. I'd already had one gay panic about Max, and my defenses crumbled within a week. If there really were two more girls who had such interests in me, what could I really do about that? A bunch of charismatic girls who all wanted to get closer to me? What chance did I have?

* * *

It didn't take particularly long for me to find out. Our weekly tea dates were becoming a four-person event, and that first time around was just a taste of what the future held for me. I had somehow managed to end up sitting between Chloe and Rachel this time, leaving Max to be the one pouting while sipping her green tea.

"Kate, we got into an argument the other day, so we need your help to solve this." Rachel propped her chin in her hand, drinking slow from her fancy coffee. "Are you familiar with the game 'Fuck, Marry, Kill'?"

I can only imagine what my face must have looked like in that moment because all three of them began to laugh softly. "H-Hah, um, I mean I don't think I've heard it referred to with quite those specific words but umm... y-yeah. Why?" I had hoped, desperately, that they wanted me to clarify something about how the game worked. Or perhaps to play it with regards to some celebrities.

But when I saw Chloe's beaming smile, I knew it wouldn't be that easy. "C'mon, do us. We spent like half an hour trying to figure out what your answers would be."

Max instantly leaned over from where she was sitting to give Chloe an audible and painful slap on the shoulder. "Phrasing, jackass. Be nice." Just like that she was back to being her sweet and considerate usual self. "It's okay Kate, you don't actually have to answer that. They're just trying to embarrass you."

Max probably meant that too, but in the moment it mostly felt like a challenge. As if not answering meant I was just the silly little innocent church girl everyone thought of me as. Even if it was a little bit (a lot bit) super embarrassing, this would be my first step toward being less stereotypical, less weird. "N-No, it's okay. I suppose I'd... kill Chloe."

"Hey!"

"Well, you just seem like you would make a worthy opponent. And if we're in a situation where I could even hope to kill you, then you'd probably respect me for it..."

After a moment's thought, Chloe actually seemed to find my logic reasonable. "I can accept that."

Already one toe dipped in the water, there was no point in delaying the inevitable. "Um, I suppose... Well, I mean I guess I would spend a night with Rachel."

"Is that because of the slut rumor?" You could tell she wasn't asking with a vicious tone, mostly just a bit of knowing exhaustion. I wish I could be as strong as her.

I quickly shook my head, and my blush just kept getting worse. "No! God, no, I just... You seem as though you would be a very thoughtful... you know. You would be... Um. It would be fun."

Just like that she broke into light giggling and reached out to ruffle my hair, which amounted to little more than batting at my bun like a cat. "Leaving dear Maxine to be the one putting a ring on your finger. Interesting..." Speaking of cat-like, I could swear she was purring for just a second.

At least Max's face was looking about as red as my own. I caught her eye and the both of us ended up just smiling bashfully at each other. "I-I don't know, she just seems like the domestic type. Does that make sense?"

Just like that, Max held out her hand, at which point both of her friends slipped five dollar bills into her waiting grasp. "It makes perfect sense, Kate. Thank you for saying so."

I know it was just a stupid little game. But that was definitely where things truly got rolling. I'm not sure I'll ever forget that silly game.


	2. But Now I'm Crawling Towards the Sun

"It's alright, Kate, just give it a try!"

It wasn't something I would have expected, to be spending time in a junkyard. The list of things I was doing that would assuredly disappoint my mother was growing longer by the day. "But... But Polaroid film is super expensive, isn't it? I don't want to waste it on a sub-par photo..."

Rather than accept my reasonable point, Max just smiled her usual lovely smile. "Kate, it's not about doing things perfectly. It's... It's about following your heart and just doing something because you feel like it's worth it!" She looked off fondly into the distance for a moment, causing me to wonder what was going through her head. It should have been obvious... "Don't get me wrong, I'm not an expert on the subject. Chloe's been trying to teach me, so I thought I'd teach you too!"

I looked at the borrowed camera in my hands and sighed softly. When I told Max I was having trouble being okay with the pictures I was taking for class, I really just wanted a chance to vent. Instead, she came up with a solution she believed would work. And I just didn't have the heart to shut her down. "O-Okay, well then I guess um... I guess let's walk around until we find a place that feels right." This shouldn't have been so difficult for me. When you grow up in church, there's a lot of talk about following your heart. But then there's also some pretty contradictory discussions about how the heart is loaded with sin, and you should temper how much you listen to it.

So. We began to wander, and I was quickly right back to worrying that I might never really understand this. But finally I saw it - railroad tracks. The universal symbol for motion, change, progress, and more. It was absolutely perfect. "I think maybe this is it..." I was really just muttering to myself, but I guess Max was listening close.

"That's great! See, you still have an artist's instincts. You just need to learn to listen to that."

Of course, that was only the first step of the process. I still had to figure out framing, lighting, a million tiny factors that nearly had me frozen again. That was when I felt a hand resting gently on my shoulder. "I meant what I said. Don't approach this like a photographer. Think of it like one of your cartoons. They're always so full of life, so think about how you would set up a sheet of paper!"

With that one little bit of advice, it suddenly brought a lot of things into focus. I knew that I wanted the junkyard to still be visible. And probably to leave it ambiguous whether the train tracks led away from it, or toward it. The juxtaposition was nice to think about. "Hmm, maybe..."

But Max just shook her head and looked at me firmly. "No maybe. Just take a shot. Let it be what it is."

"O-Okay!" And so I did it. I lifted the camera up, took a few seconds to glance through the viewfinder, and clicked.

I didn't get a chance to see my photo before Max snatched the camera away from me, eagerly retrieving the picture and giving it a few small shakes. "This is my favorite part, the few seconds of anticipation while it develops~"

But I didn't feel the same way. I just felt anxious and scared. What if the picture looked like garbage? What if Max realized that I was hopeless? What if she stopped being my friend because I was a terrible photographer? What if what if what if-

"Holy shit, Kate." She flipped the image around and printed there on the paper was... pretty much exactly what I had drawn in my mind. I almost couldn't believe it. Somehow, some way, I had actually managed to do what I set out to. It was likely because I got so lost in my delight that I didn't properly prepare myself for the moment Max lunged forward and pulled me in for a tight hug. She let her hold last for just a second longer than necessary before giving me one last squeeze, then pulled back with a big smile. "And you were worried."

I reached toward her, and after a moment's hesitation, took both the photograph and the camera from her. "Can I... Can I do one more?"

* * *

For all the nerves I felt that day with Max, it was nothing compared to my next excursion to American Rust. Rachel had asked me to meet her there, but was remaining very tight-lipped about precisely why. The only thing I got was a text message while I was in class that said "bring ur sketchbook! :)"

I stepped off the bus and made the short walk out to the junkyard, still not entirely certain what she had planned. Obviously I could make certain assumptions, but there was nothing definite. And that scared me a little bit. As much as I liked having all these friends, and having a place where we liked to go, it didn't escape my notice that it was also a place where I felt a lot of anxiety.

When I didn't see her immediately, I knew she was likely inside the 'clubhouse' - which was little more than a cinder block shack. But Chloe and Rachel had made it a sort of home. And Max continued to add her own flair to the place. I wondered if perhaps I would be able to do the same in time. "Rachel?" I poked my head in and saw her reclining peacefully on the 'couch' that had clearly been repurposed from a minivan.

"There she is! Come on in~"

I settled in on another car seat and glanced around with a smile that was almost undoubtedly obviously nervous. "So um... what's up?" I sort of assumed based on her invitation and the text she sent that Rachel had an obvious goal, like Max.

But she was quite casual and nonchalant about the entire thing, which was even more disarming. "Not much, kinda just enjoying a quiet afternoon, ya know?"

"Er. So what was it you wanted?"

She glanced more directly in my direction and actually winked at me! "Am I not allowed to simply like the pleasure of your company, dear? Why must I have a specific reason?"

There really was no good counter prepared in my mind for that. The idea that someone wanted to just hang out could still be sort of foreign to me at times. Which, I know sounds rather pathetic. It was a real learning experience for me. All I could manage to do was stammer and push down the urge to blush.

Rachel laughed brightly at my incoherent response and finally sat up a little bit more. "I'm just messing with you, girl. Actually, uh..." Shocking me even further, Rachel was suddenly starting to look bashful as well. She reached up and fiddled with her trademark earring, cheeks going just slightly pink. "I was kind of hoping maybe you might draw me?"

Of course such an offer was a goldmine of possibility. Rachel wanted to be a model, and with good reason. She had a naturally pretty face, great poise, a good smile, all the right features. Needless to say, I was a little surprised that she was asking _me_ to do this. Not to mention calling me all the way out to American Rust to do so. "Um, I'm not really like... a portrait artist. I'm still getting a handle on doing realistic work. Honestly, if you want someone to draw you, Daniel is a much better option."

"Hmmm, he is talented, but no." On this, at least, she still looked quite certain. "Look, when I'm at school or at home, I have a lot of like... expectations on me. I'm the princess and the prom queen and all that shit. But when I'm here, I'm free of all that. And you know me a little better than other people do. You can make something honest. I don't want it to be realistic, I want it to be... _real_. Does that make sense?"

"That makes perfect sense. I guess maybe I know a thing or two about expectations."

Her face lit up with a big smile. "Yes! Yes, see, I knew you'd get it." With that she reclined back in her seat once more. "Paint me like one of your cartoon girls~"

With my face glowing as it so often did these days, I got to work. It was a strange request. Rachel seemed like the kind of person who deserved to be memorialized in perfect likeness. But then maybe that was the problem. Everyone wanted to see the perfect version of her. But Rachel wanted to see something that actually reflected her. So... I did my best. Obviously I captured how cute she could be, but I also wanted to include an aspect of her puckishness as well. So far, most of my interactions with Rachel Amber had been quite playful. In the end, I drew her as a kind of half-angel-half-devil. Halo and wings, but with horns and a pointy tail. I was particularly proud of the smile, somehow both welcoming and yet daring you to play with her.

When I finally felt content with what I'd done, I flipped my sketchpad around and passed it off. The moment she saw it, Rachel broke out in a gigantic smile. "Kate! You're brilliant." She was suddenly very much in my personal space and planting a kiss on my cheek. And just like that, she was up on her feet, posting my picture on the wall, cementing me as a part of this friend group. "You've _got_ to do one for Max and Chloe too! This is great."

* * *

American Rust was becoming such a major part of my life that I started going there quite frequently, even if I didn't know anyone else might be around. It was quiet there, and strangely peaceful. However, there was always a chance that at least one of the other girls would be there. One day I turned up on a particularly interesting sight. Chloe had her truck, the tank, sitting out in the middle of an open area. The hood was popped, and she was working around on the guts of the monster.

In spite of how intently she was working, Chloe still somehow managed to hear my timid footsteps approaching. "Marshmallow, what's up?"

"Oh, um, hi. Sorry if I'm interrupting you. I-I was just coming here to hang out for a bit before settling in with all my homework." I knew I was immediately resetting to my default position of not wanting to cause anyone trouble. It's a bad habit, and I honestly still haven't managed to stop it, even now.

But she didn't care about that in the slightest. Chloe just waved her hand dismissively and turned away from the truck for a moment. "Hush with that nonsense. Do you know much about working on this kinda stuff?"

Safe to say I knew precisely zero. "Dad's never really been much of a traditional Guy. So if we have car trouble, we tend to just suck it up and deal with a mechanic."

Clicking her tongue, Chloe beckoned me closer to get a look inside. "That won't do. Some places are totally fine, but some of them will charge you an arm, a leg, and your ass to do the simplest of things. For example-" She pointed out her battery which seemed to be caked in certain points in a distressing looking powder. I must have made a face because she began to chuckle softly. "Yeah, exactly. It looks bad, but it's super easy to deal with. Technically you can clean this stuff because-"

Here she lapsed into a discussion of the science behind how batteries worked, what caused the buildup, how it could be cleaned off if it wasn't in bad shape, something about copper sulfate and lemon juice. The next thing I know, she's showing me how to attach a new battery, how to use a jack and replace a tire. I did my best to take notes in my sketchbook despite the fact that I didn't exactly understand it all.

"I had no idea you knew all this stuff."

That probably could have come across like an insult, but Chloe didn't take it that way. She just grinned and flexed as she lowered the truck back down from the jack. "Don't let the rockin' bod and dyed hair fool you. I've always been a science nerd at heart, and technical stuff like this catches my attention in a way that boring school shit just can't. But we'll keep that our little secret, eh?"

Finally, with a satisfying clunk, she let the hood of the truck drop, then hopped in behind the wheel to fire it up. I... wouldn't exactly say it purred to life, but it was definitely running again. "Good work!"

"Well, I gotta admit, it was a little more interesting to have someone to lecture to." She pulled her beanie from her head, idly messing with her hair for a second. "So hey. There's a big dumb party coming up. Rachel is throwing it, so that means I'm going. And I'm making Max go too, because her loser ass needs more socialization. Any chance I could convince you to go too? With the four of us there, I think it might actually not suck quite so much."

I definitely should have said no. That single decision, more than anything else, would have kept my life on the safe and easy path. But perhaps that wasn't the path God intended for me. It's certainly not the one I ended up following. "Um, yeah. I guess as long as all of you are going to be there, then it could be fun. S-Sure! Okay!"


	3. I Am Not Your Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a small edit to the end of last chapter. The party is being thrown by Rachel, not at Blackwell.
> 
> Also, sorry-not-sorry for some of what happens in this chapter.   
> *shrug emoji*

"Kiss-cade! Kiss-cade! Kiss-cade!"

I looked around the room, surprised to see that most everyone near me was chanting the portmanteau. I couldn't help but think the obvious question: _How did I get here?_

The answer to that was actually fairly simple. Chloe had invited me to a party that Rachel Amber was throwing. Her parents were out of town and said that she was allowed to do so as long as everything was safe, and she cleaned it all up by Sunday evening. While many parties around Blackwell were heavily influenced by the Vortex Club, this one was specifically made for everyone to attend no matter what. Because Rachel really is a lovely human being.

So of course I went, it seemed like it would be a pretty safe experience. And for the most part, it was wonderful. There were so many great people there, like Warren, Brooke, and Daniel. There were also people that I had been meaning to get to know better - Dana, Juliet, Justin, that kind of crowd. I was even drinking! Just a bit of wine, but still, I felt warm and pleasant and safe. For years, I thought that parties would be intimidating and sad places where everyone was just sinning without thought. Instead, the place was full of life and cheerful people.

Yes, Victoria was there too. But she seemed to mostly be keeping her distance, hanging around with her own friends. I was happy to accept that. We didn't have to be friends, as long as we weren't enemies.

Somewhere into the night, someone suggested a game of Spin the Bottle. I can't really say for sure who it was, or even exactly what happened next, only that I suddenly found myself in a circle with many others while Chloe plopped a cleaned out bottle in the middle of us. I think it helped that the very first kiss to happen of the night was Justin and Warren. To their credit, they both went for it without shame. And of course Chloe kissed Rachel (I think maybe she just knew how to spin it right to make that happen).

Then my turn came, and I guess... Well. I'm kind of... I can be awkward. I went to spin the bottle around, as per the rules, and it kind of went wheeling all over the place on some unpredictable and wild course, nearly bumping into Dana's knee in the process. That was when the chanting began. Again, I'm not positive who started it, but before long almost everyone was joyfully repeating the phrase 'kiss-cade'.

I'm sure I must have looked appropriately confused because Max leaned over with a light clearing of her throat. "When somebody fouls with the bottle, they have to go around in a circle and kiss everyone. Uhh, like a kiss cascade. Kiss-cade. I-I'm really sorry, it's a whole thing. Obviously you don't have to do that, we would never be that cruel."

I wonder now if Max understood how often she played the good cop in those early moments for me. First it was our silly little game on our tea date. And now she was telling me I could skip out on this too. And because she was there to be my safety net, I knew that I could be brave. If only for one night, I could be brave.

Pushing up onto my hands and knees, I moved around the group: Dana, Justin, Juliet, Warren. Before long I had reached my friends. Chloe was up first, and you could see just how pleased she was with herself in that moment. "What'd I tell you, Marshmallow? With all of us here, this party doesn't suck all that much." Before she could gloat any further, I quickly planted a kiss on her lips before moving right along. But I had just enough time to notice the slight taste of alcohol and cigarettes before arriving in front of Rachel.

My face was flushed by now, both from drink and embarrassment, but I was at least grateful to see that hers was too. She laughed softly and shrugged. "Sorry, was kinda hoping your first big party here wouldn't be quite so overwhelming..."

Surprising even myself, I just laughed right along with her, swiftly pecking her. "Well, it's not... so awful..."

The shocker of the evening was Max, though. As I rounded my way in front of her, she was beaming. "Can I just say how proud I am of you? You're amazing, Kate." Rather than simply accept a quick smooch, she actually grabbed me by the cheeks and pressed our lips together for significantly longer than a single second. It was... soft, and nice. And it made me significantly more aware of all my panic the last few weeks.

As we pulled back to a few of our friends cheering excitedly for us, I wanted to say something charming or interesting or funny. I would have loved to do anything like that. Instead, all I did was break out in embarrassed giggling. "O-O-Okay, I think that's more than enough Spin the Bottle for me tonight. Thanks everyone, this was great!" There was some good-natured laughter at that, but no teasing, no making fun of me. I was... normal.

I got myself another small glass of wine and then decided to cool my heels outside on the back deck for a little while. Thankfully the place was unoccupied, so I was able to just step out into the crisp fall air, breathe deep, and let myself properly freak out. In the span of five minutes, I had become someone so different and yet so familiar to myself. Nothing could have possibly brought me down.

* * *

Okay, I don't need to tell you, I'm saying that for dramatic effect. Obviously something could bring me down. And it was a bad one.

I heard the door behind me slide open and closed. Like the frankly lovestruck fool I was, I turned around and said in the world's most eager voice, "Max~?"

Of course it wasn't Max, though. It was Victoria, looking like the cat who got the cream. She wasn't even glancing in my direction, just swiping slowly through her phone with a light laugh. Her eyes finally lifted in my direction, and she feigned surprise as though she didn't know I was outside. "Oh! Kate~"

Whatever was going on, she was looking for trouble, and my nerves were suddenly shot. "Um, what's up, Victoria?" The old instincts are hard to break. Sometimes you still default to overt politeness.

"I just wanted you to know, I got some really good pictures of the game in there. I was going to tag you in them on Facebook before realizing we're not even friends!" Her lips formed a pretty little pout, as though this was a friendly conversation and not an overt threat.

My heart was pounding so hard at that point I could hear blood pumping in my ears. This was it, the fallout from my terrible decisions - and so soon after I made them. "V-Victoria, you don't understand, you need to get rid of those. If anyone in my family sees those pictures, I'm screwed!" I was really trying to properly explain the situation to her, but she seemed unimpressed.

"Aww, Katie, I bet it's not that big a deal. What, your mom calls and yells at you. Daddy tells you that you're gonna go to hell? Big deal. I have proof positive that Little Miss Perfect is a hypocrite. And I plan to use that to my full advantage."

Panic spread throughout me and I didn't have time for niceties anymore. "No! This isn't just about getting a lecture from my family. My mother and aunt will call one of those groups that takes you away in the middle of the night, sends you away to some place outside U.S. borders, and makes you pray the gay away. _Forcefully_. Get it?"

For a moment, she started to laugh incredulously. But her face quickly fell. "Wait. It's that bad??"

The shift gave me whiplash. Suddenly, Victoria's face and voice were dripping with sincere concern. "Um, my dad and sisters are really sweet. But my mom and her sister are... intense. Very intense. That's why I can't actually..." I trailed off for a moment, nearly choking up as I tried to put the words out there. "This is the closest I can get. Some stupid party game. So yes, it's that bad. Delete those pictures and I promise I will do literally anything you ask." Obviously, that phrase should not have passed my lips. But I said it, and I did kind of mean it, so I didn't bother taking it back.

Victoria gave a somewhat dramatic groan before showing me her phone, just to demonstrate that she was actually pulling up each picture and deleting them. "I do love people owing me favors. But... not this time, Katie darling. You get this one for free."

It probably spoke to how nervous Victoria made me that I didn't trust her. I was naturally trusting of almost everyone. But she made me wary. "Okay, so... so what's your angle? Why would you do anything nice for me?"

"This isn't about being nice. I don't owe you anything, least of all my life story." Her face was suddenly very, very dark. Not in a terrifying way, but merely hinting at the raging currents hiding under Victoria's calm surface. "This doesn't make us friends or anything. It just means I have certain lines that even I won't cross." For whatever reason, she apparently thought that was a good place to leave a conversation, spinning on her heel and stalking back inside.

With the deck alone to myself again, I hastily turned away from the party and wiped at my eyes. I also whispered a very soft prayer of thanks under my breath. "Ohh, thank you God. Thank you for small miracles."

I suddenly heard the door again, and my shoulders tensed instantaneously. " _What._ "

"Oh, um. I-I can come back." It was Max. Of course it was.

Even if I looked a little red-eyed and frazzled, I didn't care. I whirled around, taking a hasty step forward. "Wait! Sorry, I..." Ultimately, I didn't really finish the thought. I couldn't figure out how to properly explain everything a second time. I was emotionally exhausted and not entirely sure what I even wanted to say or do in that moment.

Once she actually got a look at my face, she seemed to soften somewhat. "I saw Victoria coming inside from out here. I thought I should probably check up on you. Did she mess with you??"

_In for a penny, in for a pound_ , I figured. "She came out to gloat about the pictures she had taken of... um... th-the game. She wanted to post them online. I managed to convince her not to." It was the most truncated version of things I could think to say.

"She is such a jerk sometimes! Are you sure she won't still do it?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, desperately hoping I didn't have to describe how awful my mother could be twice in ten minutes. "Um, can we just talk about it later?"

You could see that Max desperately wanted to push the point. But for some reason, she finally decided against it in the end. "So I guess you probably don't want to talk about what just happened inside either, huh?" Immediately her eyes went wide and her cheeks began to glow. "Jeez, I don't know why I said that. Hah, it was just a stupid game, whatever. There's probably nothing to even talk about. Hahah, I'll head back inside now."

What I wanted to do was latch onto Max's hand. I wanted to tell her everything going through my head. I wanted to spend all night talking with her about everything and telling her the truth. But I didn't end up doing that. I let her go. And stayed out there on the deck by myself a while longer.


	4. That's Where We Went Wrong

I left that party with my tail between my legs. I don't think I said good night to anyone except maybe hastily to Brooke as I headed through the door. Can you blame me for wanting to go somewhere safe? At least I knew that no matter what, Alice wouldn't judge me for anything I had done (or not done). There in the safety and comfort of my room, I could sit with my bunny on my lap and decompress.

Nothing even came from that night for several days, not until my weekly bible study.

Taylor had been coming intermittently since the beginning of the semester - fallout from something involving her mother. She wasn't the type to say a whole lot, but every now and then she would offer up something interesting before disappearing back into herself. It was so different from the version I saw whenever Victoria was around. But considering the events of Rachel's party, I sort of assumed she wouldn't be there. And yet walking into the room, Taylor was already there. She played things cool at first, just smiling pleasantly at me and allowing me to do my usual business. During the actual study, she participated exactly the same amount as always. To the point that I started to wonder if maybe nothing would happen. Everything wrapped up, the others all left, and before long it was just the two of us. My chest felt tight as I realized that my instincts were right all along. I wasn't used to having trustworthy instincts.

"Kate, we need to talk."

"Do we?"

Woah. I'm still shocked that I managed to fire back with something that fast. Something about the last few weeks had changed me, and I still couldn't be sure if it was for the better or the worse.

"Okay, fair, but retract the claws for a moment. I just want to know what the hell happened at the party. Victoria had those pictures and went sauntering outside to rub them in your face. You talked for like... two seconds and she came back in with the pictures gone. What did you even say to her??"

Rather than answer or shoot her down, I took my time to study her for a moment. There was every possibility in the world that this was some kind of elaborate... t _hing_. But she seemed legitimately concerned about the situation, not just curious. "She and I had a private conversation about the matter. And it involved private information that I don't really feel comfortable repeating."

"Look, Vic's a bulldog. She doesn't just let things go. So what happened? Do you have some kind of dirt on her? This is important, Kate!" The more she spoke, the more desperate she became, until her voice was practically trembling. Taylor was... mad at me? Things were making less sense, not more.

"We shouldn't be having this conversation in a classroom. Let's go to my dorm. I'll make you some tea and we can talk this out. Because honestly, I'm feeling like I've stumbled into the middle of something and I have no clue what."

Only after saying all that did I actually notice the slight sheen of frustration and... something else in her eyes. But she did seem to be cooling off, if only a little. "...okay."

* * *

You couldn't exactly say the tea set I had in my room was anything particularly exciting. It was an electric kettle and a couple plain white mugs I'd picked up for cheap at a Walmart before coming to Blackwell. But having them fulfilled a habit that kept me sane, so for that, they were precious to me. Inviting Taylor in was a grand gesture, I could only hope that would be communicated in what seemed like a tense moment for her. And for me.

I poured out the hot water into her mug and gave Taylor another look. She seemed less stressed now, but still on edge. "I'll tell you exactly what I told her. I cannot let pictures like that ever become public in a way that my family might find out. My mother's side is very conservatively religious, and if they believe me to be... anything other than straight, I'm going to be spirited away against my will to one of those camps. I would be abused and bullied into changing, or more realistically, hiding something about myself. And as soon as I explained how serious the situation was, she deleted the pictures."

Taylor nodded and started to slowly sip from her mug. "Look, it's not like I can get into the specifics but... I guess that does kinda make sense. Vic can be a real bitch, but she also has her reasons. And maybe she saw something familiar in what you said."

Obviously I had to sit there for a moment and try to slot this new information into my head. Was it more than just sympathy? Was it... empathy? It was hard to picture Victoria ever being in that kind of danger. But maybe her family had its own dark shadows. "You were... really upset with me there, Taylor. Is that umm... still an issue?"

Taylor released a long sigh, mostly breathing out through her nose before inhaling from her mug. The tea must have really been helping, from what I could tell. "She trusted me and Court with something important. And I thought she'd told you, or maybe you'd pulled it out of her. Part of me was terrified you already knew and used it as leverage." She set down her cup, showing that it was already empty. "I was jealous, and over-protective, and terrified that her shit could get out." Protective made sense. But jealous seemed like a stretch. Who in the world could ever be jealous of the awful tension I shared with Victoria?

"No. She was very intentionally vague." The distressing truth was that I was willing to let this entire mystery go, until Taylor confronted me. Now, my curiosity was piqued. "I've never exactly been interested in discovering someone's 'dirt' before. But..." I realized I was willingly stepping into a minefield now, but my steps were no longer my own. I could only move forward, and my best hope was to try and choose my angle of approach. "So... we _do_ have things in common then?"

Taylor laughed, rather brightly, as though she hadn't just been freaking out about something super important. "Oh sweetie. You two have _nothing_ in common. Why do you think I was so upset?" On that incredibly unhelpful note, she got up and headed for my door. But she stopped long enough to drop one last thing in my lap. "Vic has declared an unsteady peace between the two of you. Take that for what it is and focus on your fuckbuddies, kay?"

...jealousy. I didn't understand it, but I could definitely hear it.

* * *

I had been avoiding everyone - which is to say Max, Chloe, and Rachel - all week. But finally, on Friday, I summoned up the courage to make my return to American Rust. I felt anxious and uncertain, with no clue if I would be met warmly or perhaps with disappointment. But I had to go, for myself, for them, for some kind of assurance or closure or...

My mind was in a lot of places. I didn't have any conscious reason for going, not at the time. I just... had to.

I had barely made it halfway out toward the clubhouse before Max came charging out to grab me in a big hug. "Kate! You're here, I knew you'd show up eventually!" She was laughing with delight as she pulled me into her arms, excited to see me. Even after I'd been so horrible to her the other night.

Stupidly, I began to cry. Like an idiot.

She barely missed a beat. "Oh, my gosh, no no! It's okay, come on. Chloe and Rachel were just doing some redecorating. Which... they do pretty much every month. C'mon~" Things became a bit of a blur at that point. I was suddenly sitting down with Max next to me, rubbing my back in slow circles. "I dunno, I went out to say hi and she uhh... just kinda started crying. N-Not that there's anything wrong with that!" she hastily attempted to remind me.

I could tell that the others were attempting to console me as well, though my thoughts remained scattered. I can't really be sure how long exactly I sat there weeping while they waited on me awkwardly. Definitely more than most people would have. Long enough that I knew they were serious, not just tolerating me.

"S-Sorry. Um. I acted like a jerk the other night and I just... I figured I'd screwed up a lot."

"Wait, you did? When did you screw up?" Chloe's confusion made me feel a lot better, because you could hear how genuine it was. She truly had no clue. Which meant that I was definitely blowing things up at least a little in my mind.

"I was rude to Max, and then I just left without saying anything. Even though I promised to stay and help clean up. Plus, the whole... thing." I felt myself shrug three times in a row, completely involuntary. It was all so obvious in my head, but now I was swiftly realizing that perhaps I had been overreacting.

As if to prove the point, Max just clicked her tongue softly, hand rubbing my back a bit more emphatically now. "Victoria was threatening to post pictures of you where your family and church could see. Of course you were upset!"

"Wait, she what??" I became vaguely aware of Rachel getting up to her feet with indignant fury.

It was all I could do to push through my confusion and sorrow to keep everyone from getting more upset. "Everyone, please! That doesn't matter, she backed off and everything is okay with her now. Just..." My brain caught up with my mouth and I realized where my forward path was carrying me - another day, another minefield. "That doesn't matter, not really. We need to talk about... a-about..." Already I was starting to get choked up again. The most important words all got lodged in my throat, leaving me bumbling like a fool. "The game. The-" I pointed helplessly at my lips.

_The fact that I'm clearly gay and I'm not allowed to be._ That's what I wanted to say. But it was also the one thing I couldn't actually say.

The good news, perhaps the only good news, was that I was with people who could be quite clever and read between the lines. Rachel slowly crouched down in front of me, placing her hand gently on my knee, meeting my eyes despite how hard I was trying to stare at the ground. "You know, we don't... _have_ to talk about it. Which isn't to say we can't, but... sometimes it's okay to leave things unsaid for a little while, until you're ready to tackle it properly."

"Yeah, I'm the master of not talking about stuff," Chloe added - though whether that was helpful or not, I'm still uncertain. But it made me laugh, so that was good enough.

"Thanks, you guys. Um, rain check then. On the talking. Thanks."

Max joined me in laughing, switching from rubbing my back to putting an arm around my shoulders. "You said thanks twice."

I practically giggled, even as I was sniffling. "Yes, well, I'm feeling very thankful."

In spite of the fact that I looked like an absolute mess, Rachel and Chloe each planted a soft kiss on the top of my head while Max kissed me lightly on the lips. "We'll be more careful from here on out, Kate. I promise."


	5. You're The Hardest One to Deal With

I should have been happy about the good things happening in my life. That most definitely should have been enough for a sad, closeted little thing like me. And yet I couldn't stop thinking about the breadcrumb trail scattered around me, leading its winding path toward Victoria.

For the time being, I had assumed that this would be little more than a strange obsession that would likely never find any kind of resolution. That's what I had assumed, until I ran into her at my latest Meals on Wheels meeting. Just like the bible study, there weren't a lot of people, so her appearance was quite the major shock.

"Uhh, Victoria. How um... How can I help you?"

As far as I could tell, she didn't have much interest in sticking around. She'd barely even walked through the door and already she was eyeing the exit. "In spite of everything my parents have ever attempted to teach me, I have been summarily informed by my guidance counselor that it's important to be more than smart and talented. Apparently I also have to demonstrate 'upstanding moral behavior'. I'm absolutely lost when it comes to these sorts of things. Much as I am loathe to admit it."

Her vocabulary was so over-the-top it was hard to ignore. But regardless, I understood exactly what she was trying to say, ignoring her unnecessary complexity. "You want to pad your resume. You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last. All I ask is that you do actually participate in the group. If you try to coast by, I'll make it clear you don't deserve the credit. Understood?" For a moment, I nearly forgot who I was talking to and went on auto-pilot.

So when I looked back and saw Victoria studying me so closely, I actually almost did a double-take. What most confused me was not so much her behavior as her lack of aggressiveness. If anything, she almost looked kind of impressed. It didn't last very long, perhaps only a few seconds. "Kate Marsh. I don't think I've ever really seen this side of you before. Curious indeed." She crossed her arms, and I slowly realized that she was no longer watching the exit like a nervous animal. She was now watching me like a curious cat. "Okay, you've got a deal. I behave, you make sure I get that credit."

A few seconds passed before I realized I hadn't actually responded yet. "Uhh. Yeah. Yeah, okay, then. Well." Trying to do something with myself before I got caught up thinking way too hard about all this, I started looking through a nearby spreadsheet. "We're mostly in need of drivers. We've got the meals, but we still need the wheels, you know?" I chuckled softly at my joke, though she didn't seem to be joining me. "A-Anyway, you have a car, yes?"

I got a wistful sigh and a shrug in response. "I can do that, I suppose. Please tell me there's some kind of reimbursement to cover the hideous price of gas? Also, I don't mind driving, but I can't say I'll exactly have the... 'patter'. So it would probably be best to send someone along with me."

"Keep a record of miles driven and then we can submit a formal request to Principal Wells. Plus that will help validate your hours, I suppose." Operating almost purely on auto-pilot, I was mostly trying to focus on moving things along so I didn't get swept up in how utterly insane all this was. "We always send two people out. I usually go with Dana, but she's getting swamped by cheerleading stuff. So I guess that puts us together by default."

"Katie, you're such a romantic. You could at least pretend you'd be happy to work together."

_Oh. Oh dear. Quick, say something vaguely positive before you say something vaguely snarky._ "I'm pretty sure you're the one getting the raw end of the deal here, Victoria. After all, I'm the goody-goody Jesus freak, remember?" Without even meaning to, I had just dropped some juicy bait at Victoria's feet. If she didn't go for it, then we were officially living in bizarro world.

Not only did she not go for it, she parried me. "I think we both know you became a good deal more interesting these last few weeks, Katie dear."

"Right, well! We meet in the parking lot Saturday at eleven, go get the meals from the Two Whales, and then spend the afternoon delivering them. Think you can handle that?"

Already she was turning to head through the door, apparently not interested in sticking around for the actual meeting. Which was fine, she didn't have to be there for every single second. The fact that Victoria Chase was planning on volunteering at all was mind-blowing. "I know everyone thinks I'm some spoiled rich kid, but I can handle being the wheel girl for a little bit of charity. Ciao~" And with that, she was gone. I was going to be spending an entire weekend afternoon delivering food with Victoria. That was... probably fine?

* * *

"No Dana today?" Sometimes doing the program could be rewarding, and sometimes it could be exhausting. But I knew I could always depend on Joyce to be warm and friendly as always. "New car, new driver. Everything okay there, Kate?"

I just smiled and shrugged her concerns off. I couldn't be sure yet if I could call everything 'okay' exactly. But I was in no immediate danger. Probably. "She overloaded her schedule and had to drop something. I can tell her you asked, though!"

Before I could get away, she set the last meal in the back of Victoria's car then laid a hand on my shoulder, pulling me in closer. "A car worth that many zeroes always comes with a little bit'a trouble attached, darlin'. No shame in avoiding the fancy ones."

"Joyce, Jesus treated rich and poor alike. If I don't give her a chance, then I'm not practicing what I preach. I'll be okay."

"Have I mentioned lately how glad I am you became friends with my girl?" she asked with a big smile. Sometimes I wondered if she knew more than she let on about just how close Chloe and I could be. "Rachel and Max have been pretty good for her, but she could use a proper angel in her corner."

I pulled her in for a light hug, laughing brightly. I was in... a surprisingly good mood, considering how much my nerves were shot. There were a lot of opportunities for the day to go bad. "I really gotta go. Ms. McGillicutty gets very cross if we're more than five minutes late." Before she had a chance to get lost on some tangent, I quickly shut the trunk and slipped into the passenger seat of Victoria's ridiculously expensive car.

"Sometimes I still wonder deep down if this is all just an act. And then I see shit like that and realize you really are straight outta the fifties. Well, except for the fact that you have three girlfriends." She started up the car with an almost imperceptible rumble. "How did you pull that off, by the way? Three smokin' hot babes at once?"

My seat began to engulf me and I did my best to hide my burning face - unsuccessfully. "If I ever figure that out, you'll be the first to know..."

At least she waited until we had reached a red light before she gave me a proper stare-down. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know! I have no idea how any of it happened. One minute everything is totally normal, and the next I have these people all wanting to spend time with me. It still makes precisely zero sense to me." Still naive, I sort of thought that making myself small and pathetic would lessen any frustration Victoria felt.

Instead, that seemed to make it worse. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm out here doing everything right and completely failing to get laid. You bumble around with your perfect angel routine, and snag three girls by accident?? Shit, maybe I _should_ start going to church again, if that shtick works so well." She gave a prissy huff and continued to putter through town toward our first destination. "Or maybe instead I ought to just ask you for lessons."

That time, I actually did start to laugh, if only because everything about this conversation was utterly insane. That was when something popped into my head, a kind of social instinct I'd never known myself to have before. "Well... what about Courtney or Taylor? They're both very attractive, and you guys hang out together all the time."

Her smile grew more natural for a moment and she stared off into the middle distance while we approached the house. "If either of them were any straighter, I could use them as rulers." That seemed to be the end of the conversation, as she shut off her car and started climbing out. "Come on, we've got to go make someone's day, right?"

I well and truly expected this to be a disaster. But apparently I hadn't been giving Victoria nearly enough credit. Taking the initiative, she popped open the back trunk and grabbed one of the meals, beating me to the punch. _Well, that's okay, I'm more of a people person anyway. I'll handle the usual 'patter' as she called it._

"There she is!"

"Hey, Mr. Roberts, how's it going?" I gave my usual big wave, trying to match his energy.

He adjusted his sweater as he began shuffling very slowly through his door to greet us on the way. "And who, may I ask, is your lovely new companion?"

Rather than scoff as I figured she might, Victoria instead gave a kind of bashful shrug of her shoulders. "Ohhh, I'm just the driver. You probably already know she's the mastermind." She passed him the bundle of prepared food with a minor flourish.

"That she is, young lady, that she is!" He offered a jovial laugh as he took it from her and placed on the small table just next to the door. "Young Miss Marsh would be quite dangerous if she weren't such a sweetheart."

Before I even had an opportunity to get flustered or embarrassed, Victoria was participating with her own bright laughter. "I shudder to think what would happen if anyone would draw her ire. Now, Mr. Roberts, it's been a pleasure to meet you. But Kate is showing me the ropes today and I don't want to make her late for... Who did you say it was, Kate? Ms. McGillicutty?"

My head nodded dumbly. It's not even possible to say I nodded it. My head simply moved of its own accord. "Uhh... Uh-huh. Yeah. We should... go."

I settled into the passenger seat of Victoria's car, idly waving goodbye to Mr. Roberts. I allowed at least a few seconds to pass before addressing the elephant in the room. "Do you even need me here? You seem to be handling this quite well."

Rather than the snark I assumed I would receive, it was instead a repeat of the party. Victoria was legitimately considering something, driving the car in contemplative silence as we headed toward the next house. "...sorry, I uhh... My parents made me memorize a bunch of shit for proper socializing. I was just... I wanted to put it to use. Victoria Chase was showing off, big fucking surprise, right?"

I think perhaps that was the moment something clicked into place. Self-deprecation from this girl? It seemed pretty much impossible. Things had been off for a while now, and I felt as though I could see the curve of things. The whole was still imperceptible, I could barely even make sense of the various pieces. But at least I understood that I was looking at something. And I became more observant. Something was wrong with Victoria, and sooner or later I would figure it out.


	6. Everything Else Unravels

"Let me get this straight, Marshmallow..." Chloe was playing a video game on a system that she told me was old. For all I know, that could have been a lie since I knew absolutely nothing about the medium. It was certainly charming, lots of colors and noises and jumping and running to the right. And yet she was still able to carry on a full conversation with me while going over things. It also didn't escape my notice just how many times she'd used her pet name for me. It was one of those private little things I treasured no matter how often it happened. "Victoria comes sauntering out looking to partake in her usual bitchery. She's got scandalous pictures of our hot make-out sesh-"

Here I delivered a slap to her arm as my face turned a vibrant shade of crimson. Embarrassment aside, it was probably because I didn't want her to say such things in public that she felt compelled to do it all the more often in private. So I allowed her to have these things. I couldn't actually complain about them.

"Anyway. She had pictures of the game. And she had every intention of putting them up on Facebook. But you tell her about how hardcore your mom and aunt are and she just immediately folds."

I nodded. "Yes, you've pretty much got the long and short of it." I could feel that there was an 'and' coming, which I did not look forward to.

"And so instead of recognizing a goddamn miracle for what it is, you decide you're going to look a gift horse in the mouth."

"Well, I would hardly put it that way."

"She showed up to your club looking for an easy credit, and you humored her." With her obviously growing frustration, she accidentally steered her little pixelated plumber into an infinite abyss. "I bet she slacked off the whole time..."

I felt myself jump to Victoria's defense before I even had a chance to understand what I was doing. "Surprisingly no. I thought the same thing but... Not only did she drive around all the meals, she even kept up the chatter with all of them. She was..." I trailed off, not entirely sure what I even wanted to say. Not only did she not coast by, Victoria was good at it. "I don't know. I don't think she has it in her to slack off like that."

"Mmm, from what I hear, Courtney would disagree. That girl does like half her homework for her. And let's not forget Taylor cornering you without a good reason. She's already got people backing her, she doesn't need you." At some point, Chloe had paused her game and was now looking at me intently. But just as quickly, it melted away. "Shit, I'm sorry. You've got that whole Jesus thing going on, you're just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Which is something I've never been exactly good at. Big fucking surprise, right?"

_The same exact thing Victoria said. I don't think they're as different as they believe themselves to be..._ I began to giggle softly, reaching out and touching her gently on the shoulder. "Sounds like you're getting better at it. Give _yourself_ the benefit of the doubt once in a while, Chloe."

That earned me a roll of the eyes and a cheeky smile. "You're such a friggin' angel. Fine. It's my fault for corrupting you and showing you how to live dangerously. Just sort of assumed that would mean you would try drinking and smoking, not befriending the ice queen of Blackwell." Before I could come up with anything cheeky to fire back at her, Chloe just tugged me into a passionate, perhaps even angry, kiss.

* * *

Max was far more understanding. I suppose it helped that we had just finished a jam session together, so our spirits were high. "I mean... Chloe can get pretty angry about stuff. So you have to take her rage with a grain of salt. Um, still, that being said? I dunno, I also get why she was nervous about the entire thing." She flopped onto her bed and pulled her teddy to her chest to snuggle. "Kate, I fully believe that if anyone could ever make Victoria see the light, it would be you. But the path to get there is bound to be full of some pretty uncomfortable moments. Are you sure it's worth it?"

Feeling maybe a little bit jealous of the Captain, I moved to sit next to her and put my head on her shoulder. "Oh, i-it's not like I want to make her a better person or anything. I'd be satisfied just not being so at odds with her." I went silent, turning what she'd said over and over in my mind. 'See the light'? I wasn't trying to convert anyone, or save their soul. But if not, then what _was_ I doing? Did I have some kind of goal in mind? I wasn't really the type to make big plans like that.

Max popped the Captain into my lap then put her arm around me instead. "You had one good day with her. And that's great. But please just be prepared for any future trouble that might rear its ugly head." That must have been her final word on the subject, because Max was suddenly stretching out across her bed, pulling me down with her. Captain nearly got squished between us, but I managed to set him aside at the last second, all while squeaking in surprise. It was an impressive couple of seconds that could have gone poorly in several different ways. "I don't wanna talk about other girls right now. Not even Rachel and Chloe. You look beautiful when you play the violin..."

This was... new. Max had so far been affectionate and warm to me. But I think perhaps this was the first time that I'd ever seen her look at me like this before. In love, and perhaps a bit... hungry? It was sort of exciting and sort of terrifying. "Well... y-you look quite dashing on the guitar."

She chuckled at that, a little lower and throatier than usual. "Aren't you the charmer?" I could feel her hand at the nape of my neck, urging me closer. And even if I was still the founding member of the school's abstinence club, that didn't bar me from the occasional bout of snuggling and kissing. I knew I could trust Max to respect my boundaries.

* * *

I had been expecting Chloe to be the one to get the most frustrated and angry with me. But I didn't foresee Rachel being scarier than her. It wasn't even that she was screaming at me or throwing things. Instead, she just paced around my dorm, voice low to keep from anyone in the hall hearing her. "Look, I get it. Your faith is based around seeing the best in people. But do you have to start with one of the worst people in school??" She fumed, spinning on her heel dramatically and pacing a bit more. "What's your follow-up, you gonna march right up to Nathan Prescott and give him a freaking baptism??"

"No, please, don't pull your punches..." Having this conversation for a third time was wearing on me a little, and it didn't help that she was not being particularly understanding."I don't need a lecture on this, Rachel. I _know_ she's trouble, and it's not like I'm going to be spending all my time with her. It's a few hours a week, doing _charity_. So I would really appreciate it if everyone would back off just a little bit and let me do what I'm going to do." I was already up on my feet, fuming a little bit. I'd unconsciously started mirroring her level of aggression. There was every possibility in the world that we would hit a feedback loop until we really were in a shouting match.

But suddenly she was laughing instead, flopping back down onto my bed, giggling so much she almost couldn't catch her breath. All I could really do was stand there and let the steam pour out of my ears while I tried to play catch-up with the tone of the moment.

"...do you mind telling me what's so funny?"

"Me. I'm an idiot." Rachel was still bubbling with fits of laughter, wiping a bit at the corner of her eye. "I've been thinking you were a precious, innocent baby. But just maybe you have a little venom in there after all." Once she was no longer interrupting herself every few seconds to find amusement in the situation, she tried to explain herself better. "Confession time: I was... maybe a little bit jealous..."

It had apparently become my turn to laugh. Without any grace, I collapsed next to her, shocked by the idea of Rachel being jealous. I was seeing Max and Chloe along with her and she seemed to have no problem with that whatsoever. But more to the point: jealous?? I couldn't even consider myself _friends_ with Victoria. The concept of there being even a hint of romance between us was essentially impossible. "Rachel, I can't believe you. In what world would you ever be jealous of anyone??"

Her head angled slowly until she was able to look at me out of the corner of her eye. Her smile was painted on, ever the actress. No, that was even too generous. When Rachel was acting, it still felt quite real. This was pretending. Poorly. "Oh Kate... Don't you get it? I'm always jealous. I was jealous of how Chloe palled around with Steph. When Max showed up, I was jealous of her relationship with Chloe. I was jealous of how obviously Max was into you. And now I'm jealous of how badly Victoria clearly wants to jump your bones. We've all got our sins, and mine is coveting my neighbor's wife, so to speak."

"Th-That's not-! And what do you mean about Victoria??" I was practically shrinking in on myself at Rachel's assertion. Not that long ago, the girl had been plotting how to post embarrassing pictures of me on Facebook. Where in the world did she get the idea that Victoria had any interest in me beyond torment?

"She's like a little kid, tugging your proverbial pigtails. The second she saw any real consequences for her actions, she backed down. Taylor freaked out because she thought you had learned some secret, which means Vicky loves knowing other people's shit, but is terrified of anyone knowing her own. And shortly after declaring she wouldn't bug you anymore, she agreed to volunteer for _your_ club, instead of the five other groups that do charity and shit. She wants something from you, and I don't think it's thoughts and prayers. Though maybe she'd like it if you did a little laying on of hands, ifyaknowwhatI'msaying."

I did know what she was saying, and I hated it. Even having a bit of unofficial fun with her and the others had been a large step for me. Adding another person to that list, for whatever reason, seemed a bridge too far. Perhaps because Victoria was so unlike the others, and so clearly my foil. To even consider the idea that she and I might be Something More was to invite a level of chaos into my life that I wasn't prepared for. "That's insane. Stop it..."

Something seemed to turn over in her mind and Rachel's face immediately became the very picture of embarrassment. "S-Sorry. I... my mouth got ahead of my brain and I started doing that thing I do. This is all conjecture on my part, purely speculative." She got up from my bed and started awkwardly for the door. "I should go. Just um... forget what I said. I was talking out of my ass like an idiot."

It would have been so much easier to do exactly that. But I had long since learned just how good Rachel was at studying people and figuring them out. I knew, even if I didn't want to admit it, that her assessment was likely at least a little bit accurate. And that terrified the crap out of me.

  
  



	7. Thoughts of a Small-Scale Destruction

That next Saturday was much the same as the last. The only real difference was that I no longer felt as much surprise when Victoria so effortlessly performed her duties. She knew her way around Arcadia Bay, and was able to interact with all of the people we delivered to. She even showed a proficiency for remembering names and small details about each of them.

Before I knew it, our work was done. I'd assumed that would be the end of things, but it seemed that today was going to be a day of surprises. Victoria looked at me from the driver's seat and inclined her head slightly. "You hungry? Cuz I'm starving."

"Uh. Yeah, I could eat." I shrugged my shoulders slightly, trying to keep my attention out the passenger window. Some part of me figured this was some kind of trick, but the rare possibility that it wasn't kept me hanging on. "Can you deign to get fast food, or do you only eat at nicer establishments?"

That earned me a scoff. "Kate, I enjoy the finer things in life, don't get me wrong. But I'm not a princess one hundred percent of the time. You wanna do fast food, I can deal with it."

So... we got burgers. We were sitting in Victoria's car. In a parking lot. Eating burgers. Like we'd known each other for ages, and had never once been at odds. Swapping stories. Laughing - we were laughing! "And out comes this guy wearing a goddamn monocle, looking like some land baron out of the turn of the century. And he's talking through his jowls, yelling at my stone-faced mother about how their gallery would be blacklisted in Seattle's high society." She took another big bite, chewing through it and dabbing at her cheek daintily with a napkin. "So she just lets him unload all of his fury on her, and then cool as can be, she says 'My husband has already put in a call with the Kinneys and the Durhams. I'm afraid the only one getting blacklisted is you.' Ice cold."

I chuckled, biting into my last fry and following it up with a sip of soda. "You have some really strange stories... I mean, the most I've got is the time my dad kicked someone out of his congregation for trying to perform a coup in the church council." Despite how utterly banal that was, she still gave me a good-natured laugh. From there, we started to lapse into a silence that was not entirely uncomfortable. But I just couldn't get my conversations with everyone out of my head. Not to mention the various mysteries surrounding this girl. So eventually I made the choice to try and approach the subject. "Victoria, why did you..." I realized too late I didn't actually know how to phrase the question, or where to begin. So in spite of the awkwardness, I let the ellipses hang in the air.

To her credit, she seemed to completely understand where my head was at. "Well, I suppose it had to come to this eventually. Ahh but which to address first? Why did I torment you? Why did I back down? Why did I choose to start wheeling for meals? Why am I so cool to you all of a sudden? Decisions, decisions..."

Her rather blasé reaction was enough to surprise me into further silence rather than trying to respond to her. I began fiddling with the cross around my neck, entirely unsure what to even say.

She reached some kind of decision internally, then glanced my way with a soft smile. "You ever been up to the lighthouse before? It's a really picturesque spot, especially this time of day. If we head that way now, we'll be able to catch the sunset."

"What...?" The change in topic was enough to give me a bit of whiplash. "You... want to hang out?"

Victoria just smiled and rolled her eyes. "Uh, yeah, that's what I'm saying. We're basically hanging out already. C'mon, if we're gonna have a big dramatic heart-to-heart, we might as well aim for an Aesthetic."

I gave the idea some serious contemplation. But the truth was that I didn't have a good reason not to agree. And my curiosity really was getting the best of me at that point. "Yeah. S-Sure."

* * *

The sunset _was_ pretty nice. We sat together on the bench facing off the cliff toward the water and watched as the sun dropped down below the the horizon, staining the sky in gorgeous colors. The water shimmered like it was made of silver.

It had been a while since either of us had really said anything. I'd effectively made it clear that I wanted to talk about things, and if we were going to get further than that, then Victoria would have to initiate it. But finally she began to speak, softly, as if someone else were listening in on us from beyond the tree line. "I'm sure you understand that anything I'm about to say is not to be repeated. Not even to Taylor or Courtney, and definitely not to your lady-friends."

You could hear the steel in her voice. This moment was completely serious, and I nodded my head in understanding. "My lips are sealed."

That was apparently good enough for her. "You're not the only one who's had a Sword of Damocles hung over her head in the form of conversion therapy. Not the same kind though. I-" She cut herself off, eyes focused firmly on the distance and not looking in my direction at all. "I insisted from the time I was five or six that I was meant to be a girl. My parents prefer to solve things with money, so they were only too happy to send me to the best doctor, get me puberty blockers and new clothes and shit."

This was absolutely not something I saw coming. And I can admit in hindsight that a lot of it came down to ignorance on my part. I just didn't have any experience with trans people. It was only due to my surprise and awkwardness that I didn't immediately ask any of the questions popping into my head. "It sounds like they were supportive. What happened?"

Surprisingly, she laughed. "I don't know if I can exactly say they were supportive at the time. Not in the traditional sense. They just chose the path of least resistance. I could be a major fucking brat, and I think they knew it was way easier to just accept me instead of putting up with future tantrums and arguments." Victoria still wasn't looking in my direction, and it seemed as though her face was covered in a mask of concentration or... something. "Uhh, so anyway, we were at a big family reunion thing. My dad's brother said, super loud and clear, 'You know, there are people you can talk to about fixing that. Make him a _man_ again.'" The mask slipped and her face started to contort. I could tell, even if Victoria was playing it cool, it still hurt a lot, even now. "He's pulled that shit a few times now. It's not love that keeps my parents from changing their minds. It's pride. And if he ever threatens their reputation or makes a competent enough argument, I'm boned. Even if I convince them to not send me to one of those places, they'd cut me off. I'd have no money, no stuff, no hormones. Just absolutely fucked, as facial hair starts growing in and..." Finally her eyes screwed shut and I could see some tears creeping out at the corners.

I operated on instinct, reaching out for Victoria, laying a hand gently on her shoulder. She didn't push me away, but she also didn't fully accept it.

"So. Any time I run into someone who's overly fond of god and the bible, I get... nervous. I figured the safest thing to do was to make it clear that you should never fuck with me."

"You realize that if I were a different sort of person, the stuff you did would have made me _more_ likely to want to dig up your dirt?"

Finally her lips began to curl in a wry smile. She didn't say anything right away though. I expected her to parry or riposte or whatever, but she didn't. Victoria was actually silent for a few extra moments, just long enough for it to set in. "Yeah, well. I don't always find myself thinking clearly when it comes to you, Kate." It had been so easy for her to say the other stuff, but this was where she really seemed to be hitting a speed bump. She didn't follow that statement up.

I rubbed my hand against her shoulder, while watching her face intently. "...Victoria, I'm not the best at this stuff. So if there's something you're trying to say here, you're going to have to finish that thought.

Finally, she turned to face me. It really felt like mask had fully fallen away and I could see some of the true emotions beneath. Exhaustion, sadness, but something else too. "Come on. You're talented, humble, beautiful. Don't make me say it out loud like some kind of cheesy movie."

The Kate of a few weeks ago would have understood, and let it go. She would have been okay with leaving it unsaid. But a lot of things had changed lately and I just... couldn't help myself. My lips parted, revealing a giant grin. "I think I'm going to need you to say it anyway. It would be healthy for you and me both."

Victoria snapped out of whatever fog she fell in, looking at me much more directly now. Her eyebrows were up high, her cheeks red beyond whatever makeup she'd put on. "With everything I've done, and everything I just said, you want me to keep going?? Fucking seriously?"

That was... a fair point. She'd been kind of a... _not nice_ in the past. And I was completely ignorant about pretty much everything related to the experiences of a trans girl. There were roughly fifteen different reasons to admit this was a terrible idea. That's absolutely and precisely what I should have done. I ought to have said 'Thank you, that's very sweet, but I'm already tempting fate enough as it is. Let's head back to Blackwell now.'

I did not do that.

"Yes. Seriously." I became aware of the fact that my hand was still at her shoulder. I left it right where it was, maintaining eye contact with her and lightly rubbing with my thumb. "At some point, without even realizing it, I'd made myself something of a promise. I can't keep running away from things I don't understand. I'm never going to get what I want by being cautious."

"Okay, well I was just going to say outright that I'm into you. But now I'm kinda _really_ into you... Damn, those girls _have_ been rubbing off on you, huh? Er, no pun intended there."

My face was swiftly glowing just as much hers, both from hearing the words, but also that terrible joke. Groaning, I buried my face into my hands. "I don't understand! I've only ever tried to lead a quiet, simple life. How did this happen to me??"

Slender fingers wrapped around my wrists and pulled my hands back out of the way. Only after opening my eyes did I see that Victoria had gotten even closer to me, looking into my eyes now. "That right there. That's exactly why. Because you're one of the only people to actually practice what they preach. You're real, Kate, and you're thoughtful, and intelligent. A girl like you shows just how vain and vapid a girl like me is. You're fucking _intimidating_." There was no opportunity to follow up on that frankly absurd assertion. The next thing I knew, she was capturing me in a light kiss. It wasn't overly passionate or breath-taking, but it was not an action one could mistake for something else.

It was as nice as any of the other kisses I'd experienced lately. There was nothing wrong with it, absolutely nothing. But still I felt somehow wrong about it. Not that I was in any way disgusted by her, nor upset. I didn't push her away. But I felt a crowding sense of uncertainty. I withdrew from the kiss and looked at her nervously. "This can't possibly be a good idea..."

"Wow, you really know how to make a moment special, Katie..."

"Sorry! I just... Are you okay with sharing me? Can you live with not taking selfies of us together? This won't be normal or easy. Plus, um... the others might not be too happy to think about us being... like this."

Those first few questions she seemed eager to provide responses to. But when I mentioned how Rachel and Chloe in particular had reacted to our history, Victoria's brow began to furrow. "Oh, what, you have to ask them for fucking permission or something? We're both practically adults here. You're allowed to make your own goddamn decisions."

I sat back with a scowl of my own. "You're right, I am free to make my own decisions. And now, I'm deciding I wanna go back to my dorm. Are you going to give me a ride or do I need to start the long hike to Blackwell?"

"I know I'm a bitch, but do you seriously think I'd make you do that?" Victoria hauled herself up to her feet and was already storming off down the path toward the parking lot. "Ugh! Come on..."

In the span of barely a half an hour, I'd gone from being friends with the girl, to learning her deepest secret, to finding out that she was interested in me, to kissing her. And now we were... fighting? My head was spinning a little bit as I trailed after her, my brain trying to sort out how I'd ended up here and what to do next.

* * *

The trip back to school was silent and awkward and terrible. Victoria pulled her car into the parking space and the both of us sat there in the quiet for a moment. I didn't want to leave things there, but I also refused to let Victoria get away with anything anymore. If everything she'd told me was true, then she was no longer allowed to be awful.

"I'm sorry."

The words went in one ear, out the other, and then pulled a u-turn and finally drifted back into my brain. "What?"

"I'm... sorry. I thought I was getting what I wanted, and then it felt like it was being torn away from me without warning. I... Jesus, I'm not good at being reasonable or mature, Kate. I'm a shit human being, a secret little gremlin, and no one will ever know it but you. The truth is that you made a wise decision, pumping the breaks. I tried to hurt you because I liked you, and when you asked me serious questions about the future, I got all up in your shit. Can we just... forget about this entire day?"

The utter extremes of this day had worn me out. "...sure. A fresh start tomorrow. I'd be okay with that." I reached for the door, then stopped myself one last time. "You're not a gremlin, and you're not a bad person. Maybe try redirecting some of that energy into changing yourself and doing more positive things in the world. You're... really good at this and you've only been doing it for two weeks. Imagine how amazing you could be in six months, or a year. Just... think about it." I left before we ended up having another two hour conversation. I needed to hide in my room and decompress.

The question continued to persist in my mind. How did I get here?


	8. Boundless in Beauty with Fright in Your Face

"You went to a secondary location with Victoria Fucking Chase? Willingly?"

I had meant to do a better job explaining things to everyone. But there were details I wouldn't dare repeat, not even to these girls that I trusted so dearly. It wasn't my place. But that meant giving a somewhat inconsistent and perhaps even alarming story to three people who were already uncertain about the closeness between me and her. Already I was regretting choosing to say anything at all.

"Did she try to push you off the cliff? You may not have noticed. Maybe she put a hand on your back while you were looking into the distance?" Rachel was ice cold and razor sharp. And I hadn't even gotten to the actual important part yet. This was... troubling. Unfortunately, if I stopped the story now, they were bound to get even more suspicious. "Eh, she probably just poisoned your burger or whatever..."

"We kissed!" I finally blurted out. The small gathered crowd in Chloe's room all looked at me with wide eyes. "I... I mean, she... kissed me. Rachel, you were right. Victoria was only ever giving me trouble because she was sort of hyper-focused on me." That was about as close to the truth as I was going to get.

Rachel was seeing red, and Max was kind of fawning over her with concern. Only Chloe remained stretched out along her bed. Slowly, the blonde got up and started for the door. "I'm going for a walk." That was all she said before she stormed out.

Scrambling to get up as well, Max looked back and forth between me and the door. "Um. I. I-I'm gonna go with her. Just... to make sure she's okay, ya know?"

I mostly just kind of nodded my head sadly before leaning more into Chloe's shoulder and sighing sadly. This whole thing was way too much drama. I never meant for anything to end up like this. My only goal was to have a quiet life and be an artist. But the more I followed these new impulses, the deeper I fell into a chaos I wasn't prepared for. Despite the fact that I wasn't saying anything, Chloe seemed to key into what I was thinking and feeling. I could feel her hand rubbing slowly up and down along my back. "Rachel and Vicky have been rivals for a while now. I think she maybe felt a little bit threatened when Max started to fill that role. I dunno, maybe this was just too much for her." That was followed by a beat of silence, but suddenly she began to chuckle. The sound was low and throaty and made her chest rumble just a little bit. "Look, I once saw Rachel get so mad she shattered a goddamn glass dining table. This is something we'll bounce back from."

It would have been incredibly nice to believe all that. Hell, I wanted to. But in that moment, I didn't feel especially good about my chances. Awkward though it may have been, I wriggled free of Chloe's grasp and stood, brushing myself off. "Maybe, but... I don't want to be here when she gets back. Thank you, for trying to be understanding."

"Hey, let me at least give you a ride back to school."

My hand was already on the doorknob. "Unlike me, you should definitely still be here when she returns. Look out for her, and make sure I didn't hurt her too much." I didn't stick around for any further refusal. I just made my way outside and headed for the bus stop. That plan only lasted for a few feet. Part of the way across the lawn, I saw Joyce's car approaching, pulling into the driveway.

She opened the window and leaned out slightly. "Kate, I just saw Rachel draggin' Max around, and you're wandering off in a whole 'nother direction. What in the world is going on?"

I thought about my own mother for a moment and nearly broke. Which was silly and stupid of course. Joyce was hardly the first woman I'd met that would make a better mother than my own, and she wouldn't be the last. But her kindness and concern in that one moment was enough to put a crack in the mask I was trying to wear. "Just um... h-heading back to school! Rachel said she was craving some kind of candy so she's walking to the 7-11."

She was unimpressed. And clearly unconvinced. "Hop in. That ain't a request."

Joyce had obviously just gotten off her shift at the Two Whales. She deserved to go inside and put her feet up, not giving a sad little girl a ride to school But when she told you to do something, you did it. Not because she would do anything if you didn't listen, but because... well... Joyce was Joyce. You listened to her.

So I settled into the passenger seat and buckled up. "...thanks."

"Don't thank me just yet. I still want to know what's happening. Don't you worry about Chloe, she's never been particularly slick. And I know how to keep quiet about things."

I hadn't known Joyce all that long. But I knew completely that she was telling me the truth. "Um, to simplify things exponentially, Rachel and I had a fight. I-I don't know if this is something we can really come back from..." I could feel myself getting worked up. There was a decent chance I was going to be crying before long. "I screwed up."

"Do you regret what you did?" She seemed to be matching my vagueness, which was appreciated.

The answer came to me faster than I expected it to. "No. I would do the same thing over again if I had the chance." That kind of certainty was new for me, and I welcomed it.

Surprising me, Joyce began to chuckle. "Well, that makes your part in this easier then. If you stand by your actions, knowing all the facts, then there are two options. Either Rachel eventually gets over herself and you two make up. Or she realizes that this is something she can't abide, and the two of you grow apart. But either way, the ball is in her court."

"I've never been in this kind of situation before. Rachel is great, I don't want her to hate me."

"Can't imagine she hates you, darling. She might be upset, or mad, or what have you. People just... fight sometimes. Even Jesus knew that it can't be peace and love all the time. Remember, he told his disciples to be gentle as doves _and_ wise as serpents. You can be soft, but you also gotta be clever." She began to laugh softly, and for the first time ever I actually saw where Chloe got it from. They sounded so similar. "Sorry, maybe that's too much sagely advice from an old crone. You don't need little old me telling you how to walk in this world."

In truth, I was maybe the only person around who actually did want to hear more wisdom from someone like her. "You're not a crone. You're really smart. And I appreciate having someone like you looking after me." I glanced out the window and saw that we were already getting closer to Blackwell. Joyce pulled into the parking lot and I started to exit. "Seriously. Thank you. It's been... a crazy couple days."

"I don't wanna make you feel like your problems ain't monumental, Kate. But having a fight with your girlfriend is easier to deal with than it seems in the moment. You're gonna be okay."

I didn't bother to ask her which version of 'girlfriend' she was using. If she did that intentionally, there was a very good chance that would have been the thing to really break my brain. I just said my thanks a few more times before jogging up to the dorms.

* * *

A few days passed in relative silence. I didn't hear anything from Rachel, but I continued to roll Joyce's advice over in my head. Chloe was still warm to me, and Max still came over for jam sessions and snuggles. But the tone of everything had definitely changed in a palpable way - even if I couldn't put the right words to it.

Sitting on a bench outside the dorms one day, I suddenly became aware of someone approaching me. I never expected it to be Courtney, strolling my way in a fashionable sweater and a mysterious expression. "Kate."

"Um. Hey..." I knew this could really only be related to one thing, and I was not looking forward to it. She sat down next to me, as casual as can be. "Listen, um, if this is the part where you tell me to leave Victoria alone, I can promise that I'm way ahead of you..."

Courtney released a slow breath, more or less a sigh, and stared off into the distance at Tobanga. "Kinda the opposite, actually. I don't know what the hell happened on Saturday, but Tori has been basically moping all over the place since then. It's literally the saddest thing I've ever seen."

This wasn't really what I needed. I realized too late that I wanted to hear she was doing okay, that she was thriving and surviving and didn't actually need me. Because then we could all go on our merry way and forget that any of this stuff had ever happened. The idea that I had shot someone down and ruined their life even a little bit was... distressing. Just a few weeks ago, the idea of me being at the center of this torrid drama would have been unthinkable. "I'm not going to... to undo what I did just because she's upset about it. I told her quite clearly where I stand. If she wants something from me, she needs to figure herself out first."

Courtney threw her hands up defensively. "I'm not saying you have to go and sleep with her immediately or anything. Just... Jesus, I don't know. Make sure she keeps up this charity thing. Keep an eye on her. Because as invincible as she seems, Vic can absolutely go to some dark places..." She finally looked me directly in the eyes, serious as anything. "She told you, didn't she?"

There was no point in asking her to be more specific. Only one of two things could apply to that question, and both were true. "Yeah."

Nodding slowly, she broke the eye contact and looked back out toward the totem. "I know she can be shitty, and kind of a bitch. But she's _our_ bitch, and we love her. Me, and Tay, and Nathan, we just want the best for her. I just don't think Victoria has realized yet that what's best for her may not be what she necessarily wants."

I never expected conversations like these with either her or Taylor, yet here we were. "If you knew me even a little bit, then you'd know that's not an issue. I'm not going to leave Victoria in the lurch. Even if things are... supremely awkward, I won't abandon someone. It's up to her if she wants to live up to her, frankly, astronomical potential." My conversation with Joyce suddenly rang back through my head.

Things crystallized a bit in that moment. I was still confused and completely out of my depth. But I knew that there was a kind of person I wanted to be. I would be patient and considerate. I would stand by people, even if they decided not to stand by me. If Rachel decided to keep being frustrated with me, I could do nothing to change that. If Victoria remained hurt by my decisions, so be it. But at least my course was clear, and that assurance brought with it a kind of peace.

"Thank you, Courtney. You're... a really good friend. And I'm glad Victoria has people like you two looking out for her."

She stood up and started back toward the dormitory building, pausing only once to look back at me with a small smirk. "You really are too good for her. But you can't tell anybody I said that."

"Didn't hear a thing..."


	9. I Do But Don't Know Why I Care

A knock at my door one evening summoned me away from my homework. I had barely managed to get it open before Victoria came charging in, whirling on her heel.

"Is it because of what I told you??"

Whatever Victoria was asking me, she seemed to be making about four logical leaps that I wasn't yet aware of. My head spun a little bit as I tried to keep up, shutting the door absent-mindedly. "Is... what because of... what?"

Her voice dropped and she leaned in conspiratorially. "It seems like everything is going good, then I tell you I'm trans, and suddenly you lose all interest. What am I supposed to think?"

I played the moment back in my head, fairly certain I hadn't said anything about that. Then again, I hadn't been exactly clear about the 'why' of it either. I'd thrown a bunch of hypothetical questions at Victoria, and she got nervous. Perhaps I could have been more straightforward about the fact that I did appreciate her affections in my own way. Not to mention expressing my worries more effectively. My decision to slow the pace wasn't the problem here, but if I had to regret anything from that moment, the way I'd said it could have been improved.

"I should have- I'm sorry, Victoria. That's definitely not what I wanted the takeaway to be in the slightest. I'll admit, I don't know anything about what that experience is like. So, yes, I would be nervous about eventually saying or doing something really messed up and offensive. But that's not _why_ I turned you down."

Victoria deflated, sank down onto my bed, and cradled her head in her hands. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm supposed to be invincible. I'm supposed to be the head bitch in charge."

This would probably have been a good moment to assert further control over things and tell her to leave. Instead, I sat down next to her, gently rubbing her back. "Says who? Where does all this 'supposed to' come from?" As soon as the question passed my lips, I knew exactly what the answer was.

"My parents. My lineage. The Chase name comes along with a lot of expectations. And not living up to those is yet another thing that could leave me out on my ass." She finally let go of her face and started waving her hands around in slow circles. "Ugghhhh I can't freak out about this again. It's not good for my skin." Just like that, she was back up on her feet and tracing slow steps in a circle around my room. "See?? I can't even have a normal panic attack. I have to play it off like _skin-care_ is my number one concern!"

I was out of my element and out of my depth. I had my own anxieties, and I just couldn't be Victoria's therapist. I couldn't offer her absolution. My feelings were complicated. So I decided to aim for something a little off-course to try and bring her back around. "Victoria." Getting back up to my feet, I reached out for her shoulder and gripped it firmly in an attempt to stop her pacing. "We... still have Saturdays, okay? It's barely even October. There's so much time left to... to sort things out, make it all make sense. There's no rush. So we'll take it a step at a time."

Her face warped its way through roughly five different emotions in the span of a few seconds. Eventually she settled on a kind of misty-eyed confusion paired with burning cheeks. "...yeah. Yeah, I'll be there." Just like that she was through the door, leaving a strange void in my room. An entire year to figure things out. It didn't sound so bad, looking at it that way.

* * *

With immense trepidation, I stepped my way into the junkyard. Rachel asked to meet with me, and there were really only a few reasons she could ask for that. We'd already done the thing where she asks me to draw her. And right now we were in the midst of some serious awkwardness. I was terrified and anxious as I poked my head into the 'clubhouse'. She was sitting on the van seat and looked at me with an equal level of nervousness.

"Do you remember what I said the other day?"

"...which part?"

"I'm always jealous, Kate. And I've had to face that more and more recently. I'm not exactly great at facing my own shit. I can dish it out, but I can't take it, ya know?" She pushed up to stand and kicked up a little bit of dust with the toe of her shoe. "I could maybe handle it if Victoria had made some kind of unwanted advance on you. Then I could just get angry and protective. But come on, it's clearly more complicated than that."

I said nothing, because I wasn't interested in digging myself in any deeper than I already was. Instead, I just leaned up against the cinder block wall.

"The least you could do is yell at me for being unreasonable, Kate. I'm not even your girlfriend, and I'm trying to dictate who you can be close to. You don't even have to call me a bitch or whatever. Lecture me, if that's what it takes!"

Things slowly started to crystallize in my mind at that point. Between my conversation with Victoria and now this, I saw that Joyce was completely right. Rachel didn't hate me, and Victoria didn't actually think I was disgusted by her. It was all just... projection. Which felt like a pretty crappy thing to think, but it seemed accurate. One automatically assumed I thought she was a monster, the other wanted me to tell her she was a monster. And I just couldn't give either what they wanted. On impulse, I pulled Rachel into a tight hug, squeezing her with all my might. "I'm sorry. I can't do that. That's just... that's not who I am. All I can do is what I know how to do."

I felt her face burrowing into the crook in my neck and she started to chuckle softly. "You suck. You're too nice. How do you do that?"

Soft laughter bubbled up from my core as well, and the two of us stood there awkwardly hugging until we were practically giggling. "I have absolutely no idea..."

The familiar sound of a truck door shutting caught both our ears and we turned to see Chloe and Max strolling into the junkyard. Tall and lanky and so easy-going, Chloe just stuck her hand in her pocket and grinned wide. "Figured you two dorks would sort it out eventually. I know my girls~" Max just bounded over and joined in, followed swiftly by Chloe until we were smushed into an unexpected group hug. "So. How long until you add Victoria to the list, eh?"

"Read the room..." Max muttered.

It occurred to me that we might actually have to have a conversation about that some day. But today did not seem like the right time.

* * *

"Well well, another week, another delivery. Guess things can't be too bad at the moment."

I smiled at Joyce and nodded my head ever so slightly. She really was _too_ observant sometimes, and it could be kind of off-putting. But also rather comforting. "I... think so. Um, thanks for the pep talk the other day, Joyce. It helped a lot."

She put the last meal in the trunk of Victoria's car, then shut it, lightly patting the metal with a satisfied smile. "Well, that's what moms are for, kiddo."

That probably could have been the catalyst for a long and depressing conversation that I wasn't ready to have. So I just laughed and nodded in agreement, gave her a quick hug goodbye, then climbed into the passenger seat. Victoria let out a soft chuckle as she started the vehicle up and pulled away from the Two Whales parking lot. "Damn, is _that_ what moms are for? Could'a fooled me."

I couldn't help it. The sheer humor of it all was enough to make me laugh - really, properly laugh. Bright and loud. There was no way I would talk with Joyce about that stuff. But... I suppose I could with Victoria. Perhaps that was something we both needed. "Kind of thought it was more about being judgmental and punishing any perceived step out of bounds. Or am I wrong?"

"No, no, I think you've got it. They force us to be little vessels they can live vicariously through. You grow up thinking they're perfect and infallible, and then bam. One day you realize all that trauma is their fault, and you've turned into a little miniature version of her that's destined to screw up the next generation." She brought her car to a stop at a red light and glanced sidelong in my direction. "Joke's on her. I'm never having kids. The Chase line dies with me~"

"Lucky," I said through a smirk. "I have two younger sisters that my mom still has plenty of time to project onto. Wish I knew how to protect them from it."

She gave a little sympathetic noise, sucking air through her teeth. "That sucks. How was it, having little siblings?"

"Oh, they're perfect. I love them to pieces! But I'm also fully aware that I got really lucky on that front. Not everybody can say that."

"Hm." Victoria drove on quietly for a moment. "Okay so... question. And like you don't have to answer this, just... something I wondered about. What happens when you hit eighteen and you go away to college or whatever?"

Once again, she seemed to have made a leap or two in logic that I wasn't immediately following. "Um, what about it?"

"Well like... I mean at that point you're an adult, and self-sufficient, and you can't be mommy's little girl any longer. She can't... y'know... call in the shitty conversion camp assholes. You can date whoever you like and maybe live a little."

That was actually a pretty fair point. Maybe I was still somewhat in the perpetual childhood mentality. Then again, college was expensive and I didn't exactly have a lot of work prospects. I was still likely to be dependent on my family for help. But her question did spark a thought in my mind. Something that should have been incredibly obvious to me and yet never once popped up before now. It almost made me feel a bit foolish for never once considering it. "Maybe... I suppose that is part of the college experience, isn't it? Finding yourself and all that?" I looked back her way and found myself smiling. "Thanks Victoria. That's comforting."

"Just promise me that whoever the lucky girl is, you make her feel like she's a queen of the world." She somehow managed to say that with both full confidence and yet still hinting at just how much she was struggling with all this.

I knew somewhere in my mind that I hadn't completely excluded Victoria from the things that she wanted. Try as I might, I couldn't find a way to properly address that without pushing it into conversation in the most ham-fisted way in the history of complicated relationships. Because the simple fact was that Victoria had this way of burrowing into my brain, and I got the impression that the feeling was mutual.

As it turned out, the choice was not mine to make. Not actively, at least. When God closes a door, he opens a window. On the third floor. And hucks you out of it.

We were delivering the final meal of the day. Everything was on-schedule, and Ms. McGillicutty was so happy she pointed out that we were several minutes early this time. I set the package on her counter with a satisfied sigh of a job well done. So pleased was the woman with our performance that she even offered to treat us to some of the food.

"Oh, no thank you. That's all yours. We've already got plans." What I _meant_ was 'meal plans' through the school cafeteria. What the lovely woman heard was that Victoria and I were planning on getting some food together once we were done. And she laughed lightly. "Ohhh, I see, say no more. I may be old, but I'm no fool. If you and your girlfriend want to go spend your Saturday evening having a romantic dinner, I won't deny you that."

Victoria turned bright red while I began laughing awkwardly, shifting me stance from foot to foot. "Oh! Gosh, no, we're not- I-I mean, thank you for being understanding but we don't- I mean, I _wish_ that were true but-!" My mind caught up a fraction of a second too late and I realized what I'd just said. It was... not something that should have been said. "Well anyway have a nice night thank you good bye!!" I grabbed Victoria's wrist and started charging outside for her car.

To her credit, at least we managed to pull away in the car and get a few meters away from her house before Victoria glanced at me with a wide cheshire grin. "You wish, huh?"


	10. Unraveled At The Seams

Things in the car were weird. I mean, they felt weird for me. I don't know if Victoria necessarily felt that way, but I was for sure generating enough embarrassment for the both of us. "God, I am... so sorry. I feel like such an... an ass."

Not helping things in the slightest, Victoria just let loose a dramatic gasp, literally clutching her pearls. "Kate! You said a swear!"

"Oh, screw you." I was really trying. Obviously I knew how to swear, and there was a part of me that wanted to use some much more colorful language. But I held back. "I'm trying to apologize for making things awkward."

Her reaction was more natural this time, an expected eye roll and smirk. That was more like the Victoria I was used to. "Darling, I came out to you, confessed my stupid crush on you, and kissed you in the span of like fifteen minutes. It's done been awkward for a bit now. We're still not even, not by a long shot."

"I-I turned you down. I told you I wasn't ready and that we should be patient. That whole 'I wish' thing just makes me feel like a hypocrite." I was fidgeting in my spot, rubbing my hand against my arm and squirming in my seat. I felt vulnerable and strange and kind of gross. My mind was flooded with all the most predictable worries. What would the others say? What would my mom think? Would word get around about this? Ms. McGillicutty could be quite the gossip.

All my roiling thoughts were silenced when I felt Victoria's hand resting on top of my own, the one sitting still on my knee. "Oh no," she began, voice dripping with sarcasm, "you're human. The shock. The horror." Her thumb began to slowly stroke back and forth, grazing across my skin in a surprisingly soothing motion. "Kate, don't tell anybody, but I'm glad you didn't just immediately throw caution to the wind and hook up with me or whatever. People don't generally tell me 'no', and while it is infuriating because I'm an absolute child deep down, it's probably something that should happen a whole lot more." She even followed this up with a conspiratorial wink. Our little secret.

_My heart can't take this..._

"Victoria..." I started, not actually having any plans for what I would say next. Everything with Max and Chloe and Rachel had left me feeling out of my depth. Somehow, this felt deeper. A bit of laughter bubbled up out of me and I started to shake my head. "I really don't understand you. I think I have you pinned down and then you're suddenly across the room, if not out in left field. It's infuriating, I'll have you know."

"Good, then I'm still on-brand," she fired back with some laughter of her own. We lapsed into silence for a few moments, then suddenly Victoria fixed me with a very intense look. "Let me take you out."

"Sorry, what?"

"Go on a date with me. Just give me a single chance. If it's terrible, we'll forget about it and move on with our awkward, weird lives." She had on her most winning smile and I couldn't help but be charmed by her sheer confidence. "A girl like me only needs one shot."

I slowly massaged the back of my neck. I knew that there was a slight sticking point, and bringing it up last time had caused a bit of a rift between the two of us. But that didn't mean the point was suddenly moot. "...what about-?"

This time, at least, she didn't blow up. But she did hold up a hand to quiet me before I got carried away on a what-if or how-about. "Not that I would ever want to emulate The Straights and do something really old-school, but maybe I could ask them about it? If I survive their trials or answer their Riddles Three, then it will be okay."

An image of Victoria asking my father for my hand in marriage did momentarily flash through my mind and made me feel that much more awkward. But there was also something very sweet about the intention behind the request. And no denying, my curiosity was getting the better of me. "You'd really put yourself through that? What if word gets around that Victoria Chase went prostrating herself before them for a single evening with Jesus Girl?"

That question did at least manage to make Victoria pause for a second before she got completely carried away. Still, it was only a second. "Who's actually gonna say shit about it? I do what I want, remember?"

* * *

"I want to go on a date with her. And I know the four of you aren't official or whatever, but you clearly care about her. I'm at least aware that... _situations_ like these require clear communication and shit. So... here I am. Communicating clearly."

I don't think Victoria expected my, frankly, brilliant play. She definitely wasn't expecting to find herself at American Rust. I felt rather proud of myself. If Victoria was going to put me off balance, then I would have to do the same to her.

Chloe, predictably unpredictable, was pumping her fist in the air and doing a small victory dance. "Oh! I called it! Who called it? I did!"

"Chloe, she literally kissed her like a week ago. This isn't exactly the world's biggest surprise..." Max was, as always, being the sensible one, the mediating force. "That being said, yes, I think this was probably bound to happen at some point." She fixed me with a look that was quite serious, and carried an unspoken question: are you sure about this?

And I was. Mostly. Fairly. Kind of. Enough to make this happen. Not like I was even completely sure when it came to these three. But I followed my heart and found a real kind of happiness. So why not keep that record?

"Okay, so what's your angle?" Rachel cut through the moment with unrestrained paranoia. "She's All That? Cruel Intentions? Carrie?? In what fucking world would you ever want to go out with Kate?"

I knew that she was looking out for me, but her phrasing hurt a little bit. I vividly remembered Courtney telling me in no uncertain terms that I was too good for Victoria. But Rachel was (perhaps accidentally) implying that I was the loser girl getting played by the someone better, prettier, smarter than her. I liked Rachel, she had a lot of good qualities, but lately her attitude about this entire scenario was becoming increasingly aggressive. Before Victoria had a chance to jump to her own defense, I cut in. "She's made her goal incredibly clear. This isn't a movie. This isn't about getting permission, we're _going_ on a date."

I was already starting to whirl around so that I could properly storm away when Rachel lunged forward with a panicked look. "W-Wait!"

No matter how mad I wanted to be, old instincts die hard. I had to hear her out, regardless of my frustration. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry... That was shitty. Like, really shitty. You're an amazing person, Kate, and I hate thinking of you getting hurt."

My heart broke a little bit, and the old version of me most certainly would have forgiven her right on the spot. But things had shifted and I was no longer so empathetic. "I appreciate that Rachel. But if you're not careful, _you're_ going to end up being the one hurting me. None of us want that."

That seemed to bring the point home, and she suddenly looked very self-conscious. Rachel turned and headed back further into the junkyard, Chloe close behind her. Only Max stuck around, looking a tiny bit uncomfortable herself. But finally she closed the distance between us, throwing her arms around me, squeezing the life out of me. Then without warning she planted a kiss on my lips. "Look, if Victoria Chase wanted to take me on a date, I'd probably agree too..."

"Careful what you wish for, Maxine, you might get what you want," Victoria cooed with a playful smile.

That felt like it was about my limit. I hugged Max one more time before looking over her shoulder. "You know the deal by now. Look after her, okay? Make sure she's doing alright."

Max just nodded her head in understanding before quickly jogging after the other two. Not thinking, I released a long, low sigh of relief that this hurdle was finally cleared. I was ready to go crash for approximately a week. Victoria just laughed softly in response, seeming to understand perfectly where the noise came from. "C'mon Katie, let's get you home, yeah?"

* * *

I'm not entirely sure what came over me. The two of us were walking back into the dorms and things were surprisingly quiet for a Saturday night. Some weeks, the dormitory could be quite a hive of activity. But that night it was perfectly empty. And perhaps that gave me a sense of freedom. I imagine that must have been it.

She'd walked me to my door and was turning to go into her own room. With a slight hint of desperate, I grabbed suddenly for her wrist and pulled her back toward me. "I. I want a do-over."

The smile - no, the grin - that crossed her face was equal parts charming and dangerous. "Sorry? A do-over?" Her tone said that she had no idea what I meant. But her eyes sparkled in a knowing way.

"The last time you kissed me was unannounced, brief, and frankly middling. I would prefer another pass. Just... to be certain."

"And no other reason. Of course." She cocked out her hip, looking at me intently for what felt like the hundredth time that day. "Well, if you're serious about it, then I think it's only fair that you be the one to start it."

Ooooooh, that was rude. Clever, but rude. And I couldn't really be upset with her for that. Even if having the ball in my court was kind of scary. Funny to think about now - I was close with three girls already and had thus far only initiated kissing in the context of a party game. It was a new thing in my life, to actually be encouraged by a challenge like this. I extended my hands to rest them lightly against Victoria's cheeks. They were warm, revealing just how much of her current blushing wasn't simply due to careful makeup application. For a moment time slowed down, my thumb idly brushing once or twice over her dimple.

"...you gonna actually do it, or just stare all evening? Not that I'm complaining."

I finally kissed her, if only to shut her up. And no other reason. Of course.

Some of my memory of that moment has gone a bit fuzzy at this point, so I can only assume certain things. Like any noises I may have made, or how I probably leaned into it just a little too much. Because suddenly I was pulling back to Victoria's soft laughter. "Damn, Marsh, save a little for the actual date..."

Rather than actually reply to her statement, I got a bit lost in my head and muttered from the haze, "I'm gay."

"Uh, yeah, I think that's pretty fucking clear at this point."

"No, I mean... I've never said it. Not out loud. Not for real. I'm gay. Hah... Damn..." I was split somewhere between the euphoria of self-acceptance and the terror of what this meant for me. It was a complex moment. "I think I need to go do something. Sorry!" With that, I ducked into my room, shutting the door before Victoria could fire off any more sassy repartee. Sitting down at my desk, I fumbled with my phone, forcing myself to take slow, deep breaths before I completely freaked out. "I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay."

With a few swipes, I pulled up an all-too familiar contact, and pressed the button to call. "Hi... Dad?"


	11. Will You Clear My Mind?

"Kate, what's going on?"

"If I'm interrupting you, I can always call back later. I know you're usually finishing up sermons on Saturday nights." It was sort of pathetic, in retrospect. I was so brave, right out the gate, but the second I heard his voice, that all flew right out the window. What was I doing? How in the world could I actually think coming out to my pastor father was a good idea??

But the gentle laughter I heard on the other end of the line just as quickly put my heart at ease. "You're technically correct, but I've also been refining it for about two hours now, and I'm probably in danger of trimming the bonsai too much, so to speak. A distraction would be quite welcome."

Not thinking, I gave a low sigh that was somehow both relieved and distressed. I was glad to finally put things out there, but I was also terrified at the same time. I contain multitudes and all that. "O-Okay then."

He gave another laugh, this one less jovial. "Hm, trouble at school?"

"N-No!" Barely even starting this conversation and it was already going off the rails, nothing like how I had imagined it. Why did the real world have to be so different from the ideal? "No, just, um. Can we talk about something? And uhh... What I mean is, can we talk about something private? Just between the two of us."

The laughter had left the conversation, but his voice was as warm as ever. "Just us two." There was an unspoken pact here. No one outside the room could know.

"I-" The first word was barely out my mouth and already my breath was shuddering, throat closing slightly. "I've been working through some things and... Dad, I'm gay." I nearly blurted out the last part, in a rush to simply say the words out loud again, to someone who wasn't me (or that I hadn't been kissing, I suppose).

Dad left only a beat of silence in the conversation - enough to give the moment some respect, but not to leave me hanging in despair. "Thank you for telling me, Kate. I'm sure this couldn't have been easy, and I'm so proud of you." Already he was speaking in a more hushed tone. He was trying to keep mom from hearing even the smallest details of this talk. I think I'll always remember that moment. "Are you seeing someone?"

Instantly my face went red, and I realized that even with a super-understanding father, there were certain things I probably shouldn't reveal. "Nothing official. Not even unofficial, really. Just... I've made some friends who have helped me figure things out."

"Hm." His response was mysterious, and I desperately wanted to know what was going through his head at that moment. "You're being safe?"

"Wh-? Of course!"

"Keeping your grades up? Still going to church, doing Meals on Wheels?"

I wasn't entirely sure how my attempt to come out of the closet had suddenly turned into an interview about how school was going. But... it was normal, and it did keep me from freaking out too much. "Yeah, dad."

"Then I'd say you're doing quite well for yourself." I could almost hear the smile, and picture it in my mind.

There was another beat, and I carefully started to wade further out into the water. "If... If I ever did start to see someone officially, and... word got around... how bad do you think it would get?"

"How 'bad'? You're not going to get disowned, if that's what you're thinking. I would never allow that to happen, not to my girl."

That was the thing that finally caused my eyes to start welling up. "I just... she really believes in those conversion therapy things. I thought she might... I don't know, I was worried she and her sister might... try to force it."

Dad gave a long low sigh, and I could hear the exhaustion and worry that he was trying very hard to keep pushed down. "You're an adult, I'm not going to sit here and lie to you about your mother's beliefs. But also, well, you're an adult. She couldn't do that to you even if she wanted to. Now... I don't want you to think it will be all sunshine and rainbows. Your mother, your aunt, people in your congregation, they might give you a lot of grief for it. But if you choose to keep coming out, you'll have my support. And I'm sure your sisters will be behind you too."

I was definitely crying by that point, and also laughing a little bit, which I'm sure sounded incredibly weird over the phone. "Um, thanks, dad. I don't know if this is something you ever thought you'd have to deal with but... Well, you certainly seem prepared."

He began laughing as well, which helped keep things from getting too serious. "Really? Because I am absolutely flying by the seat of my pants right now. I have no idea how any of this stuff works. But I'm glad it's working."

"A-Anyway, speaking of keeping my grades up, I should probably get some homework done." I hesitated just long enough to rush out a mumbled, "Thanks again, I love you."

"I love you too, Katie."

After hanging up, I stretched out across my bed and stared up at the ceiling for a few moments, Then, with careful hands and a ridiculous smile, I picked up my pillow and pressed it to my face, giving a long excited squeal.

I probably should have predicted the knock at my door following that. Apparently I hadn't muted the outburst as well as I had thought. With my face burning, I got up to answer it, and Victoria was standing on the other side with her familiar cheshire grin. "Everything okay in here?"

"Um. I... came out to my dad." I shrugged my shoulders, beaming. "He was pretty cool. Just um... it's... Ahah, I feel like I'm walking on air."

Without warning, Victoria wrapped her arms tightly around me, squeezing the life out of me for a few wonderful seconds. "Sooooo is it safe to say that you found this courage all because of me?" Her voice was lilting in a teasing way, but I could have sworn I detected a hint of hope in there too.

I squirmed my way out of her grasp and brushed myself off, as if I hadn't clearly been enjoying the embrace a bit. "You're allowed to have five percent of the blame."

"Hmmm, pretty sure it was kissing me that finally made it happen. Five seems low..." She only managed to keep a serious face for a few seconds before she began to laugh lightly. "Never mind, I can't actually take your victory away from you. Besides, that's not why I came over."

My head tilted to the side like a curious animal, my interest piqued. "An ulterior motive. How very in-character for you."

"Friday," she continued, seemingly ignoring my playfulness. "As soon as you're out of your last class, get back here and put on something nice. We're going to be spending an evening in Portland."

* * *

I spent much of the next week freaking out about what to wear. Victoria had been rather purposefully vague about what we would be doing, but she wanted me to be dressed up. Under different circumstances, I would have been going to someone for advice on how to look good, or maybe to borrow some clothes. But Max and Chloe didn't really know a great deal about anything beyond their particular wheelhouses, and Rachel was... still not exactly interested in talking to me. Even if she had been, I can't imagine she would have ever been willing to help me be fancy for a date with Victoria.

So instead, I was relying on my own instincts, which were not highly tuned. I had on a flowy skirt and a fluffy sweater, but looking into the mirror at myself, something still seemed to be missing. A little lightbulb went off in my mind, and with hesitant hands I reached around behind my head and pulled my bun out. My hair fell all around my face in bouncing curls and waves. The look seemed complete. Or it was completely ruined. I legitimately had no idea anymore. I was out of my depth. This was a terrible idea. The date would undoubtedly implode. Victoria and I could go back to being-

There was no further chance to sink into my deep well of despair, because Victoria was knocking at my door, beckoning me to go, to get the show on the road. Nearly shaking, I opened the door to find Victoria waiting for me in a very classic 'little black dress' and heels. She looked more stunning than I had ever seen her before, and I knew in that moment I had lost this little game of ours.

What I hadn't been expecting was for Victoria to be mirroring my surprised blushing. Her eyes were a little overly wide, her cheeks a little overly red. "Your ahh... Your hair. It's. Huh."

Her thoughts were coming out jumbled and it took me a moment to piece together what she was trying to say. I reached up, idly playing with a few locks, unsure exactly why she looked so blown away. "Oh, yeah, I mean. I don't know, I just thought it would be fun to do something different with it."

"It's great!" she blurted out. "I guess I never really thought before about how much hair you must have to make a bun that powerful..." Her blush just got deeper, and I didn't exactly know how to deal with seeing Victoria look bashful. "That's a lie. I've thought about it before. But my imagination didn't do it justice." Suddenly, she started rapidly shaking her head, as if trying to clear her thoughts. "We should go. We have dinner reservations and it's a little bit of a drive to get to the city."

Some giggles bubbled up out of me as I stepped out, slinging my purse over my shoulder and locking the door behind me. "That's sweet. Even if it's a little bit creepy."

To her credit, Victoria just threw up her hands in defeat. "I already confessed my stupid crush, and said I have trouble thinking clearly around you. Just add this to the list."

That playful banter continued all the way up to Portland.

"Holy shit, your dad just straight up admitted to your mom being shitty? What a goddamn hero. I would almost be willing to go to church if he was the fucking pastor."

"I'm seeing so many Japanese songs in your music library. What's the deal with that? Wait, wait, I recognize this title. That's... Isn't that a cartoon? Victoria! Do you like Japanimation?? Did I just learn another secret about you?"

"Come on, it's not that complicated. They literally get their name from Louis Daguerre. He was technically a painter, but he developed this technique to give photographs a particularly sharp style. Like... Shit, what did the book say? Like a mirror? I don't know what the fuck that means, but I learned it anyway."

"Yes, I know the math doesn't actually make sense. That's why it's considered the mystery of faith. It's like a zen koan, you're not supposed to think it through logically, it's supposed to... to make you stop thinking so hard and feel it out, understand with your heart, not your head."

"Alright, here we are!" I didn't even realize we had reached our destination until I was suddenly aware of Victoria shutting off the car. The actual date hadn't even begun and it already felt like a success. That excited me, but it also scared me a little bit. I thought back to my conversation with my dad. I could technically choose to become official with someone. It wouldn't be the end of the world. But... there were so many girls in my life now. Victoria may have been working her ass off to woo me, but Max had been the first. Chloe taught me things I would never learn anywhere else, and Rachel still felt like a wildfire I could touch and not get burned. I felt more free, but that also came with new problems.

I was snapped out of my thoughts as I felt Victoria's hand slide into my own, gripping it possessively. "Hope you like sushi."

I'd never had sushi before. But I was eager to try it.


	12. Give Me Time To Love

"I don't understand how you could never have sushi once in your life. I mean even the crappiest chinese food place has california rolls!"

"Listen, we've been over this already. My family is white-bread. We almost never eat from cultures that aren't god-fearing: English, French, Italian, German."

I held onto Victoria's arm as the two of us entered the beautiful restaurant. The girl working the hostess station seemed to catch onto things immediately, and I swear I saw her face light up like the sun. "Hi, welcome to Sakura. Table for two? We have a lovely little booth near the back with a bit of privacy~" Oh, she looked so very pleased with herself, and I didn't have the bravery to confirm or deny anything.

The same could not be said for Victoria, of course. She was beaming even brighter, grinning from ear to ear. "Oh thank you so much~ My girlfriend and I are just looking to share a nice, quiet night on the town. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!"

My face was effectively on fire as we were led to the back where the promised booth waited for us. It was just a little bit dim, a little bit set apart from the rest of the restaurant, a little more quiet. The spot was undeniably romantic, and the hostess knew precisely what she was doing. "Have a nice evening, you two! Your server will be with you soon."

We slid in to sit across from each other, and as I started to reach for a menu, Victoria just shook her head and smiled knowingly. "You're not going to be needing that. Don't worry, I've got us covered..." She then winked at me, which was fast becoming a regular thing. I wasn't used to that, especially from Victoria.

"What are you planning?"

I got nothing in return, only a sly smile.

The closest I came to getting a hint was when the waiter finally came around. "Do you still do the Boat for Two?" He confirmed that they did. "Excellent! We'll take one of those, and also a pot of tea. Please and thank you~"

"Boat?" I asked softly, once our waiter left to put in the order.

Victoria completely ignored my question, and instead just focused her attention on me, sitting with her chin propped up in her hand. "So Kate, tell me more about your dreams. I know you've said before that you want to do a children's book, but what kind? There must be so many options..."

The way she deflected was so shameless and so fast that it actually left me off-balance and willing to entertain this line of questioning. "Well. I've thought about maybe doing something about bullying. Or perhaps more broadly aimed at fostering empathy in kids?" I knew that touching on this topic in the wrong way could make things very awkward. Victoria and I had most definitely not had the easiest past. But at the same time, if I lied or tiptoed around it, that would be just as awkward. "Maybe even a whole series on all kinds of things. I just... I think kids are capable of being far more emotionally intelligent than we give them credit for."

Victoria took the conversational turn with grace. "That sounds pretty much perfect for you. If anyone knows how to flourish their way through difficult social ties, it's you."

"Wow! I'm sorry, _I'm_ the one that knows how to move through things with grace? That was... some impressive spin doctoring. A month ago, we were completely at odds. Now we're... well."

She just smirked at me. Not a trace of shame or embarrassment. "We're on a date. You're allowed to say it, sweetie. I was a total bitch to you, thinking about ruining your life. And now we're on a date in Portland getting sushi. The absurdity is not lost on me. At this point, I'm just trying to roll with it."

To actually hear the words out loud was a little bit of a shock, when it was laid out in such plain terms. My face felt hot and I couldn't even conjure up a proper thank-you for our waiter when he brought over the tea and our waters. The two of us just sat there in tense silence while Victoria poured out tea into the two cups with a certain amount of skill. I took the small cup and blew on it, focusing on it, trying to make it cool off with sheer willpower alone. Taking a sip, burning my throat, I finally felt like I could speak again. "Am I an idiot?"

"You have three girlfriends, not to mention _this_ smoking hottie wrapped around your finger. You have a dad who loves you to death, and two sisters who sound like absolute dolls. You've got talent and smarts and beauty. You're probably the luckiest, most intelligent person at Blackwell."

"...and that first thing? You're warming to that now?"

She actually giggled brightly and sipped at her own tea. "I wasn't just being cheeky the other day. If I had an opportunity to grow closer to Maxine, I would be happy to do so. Chloe can out-party pretty much all of the Vortex Club at once. And Rachel and I have... history together, but I can't say I object to the idea of clearing that up a bit. So yes, I had to finally admit to myself that I was willing to wade into your insane little polycule. If... you all would ever have me. But at least in the abstract, it's a welcome idea."

That was actually kind of a relief to hear. Not that I thought it would possibly be so easy. But it did give me a kind of birds' eye view of the potential future. I don't know if I can possibly say that it would make life easier. Not overall. But it had a sense of possibility to it that I found attractive.

Before I knew it, I saw our waiter returning with the 'Boat for Two'. The title, as it turned out, was quite literal. He was bearing a sizable wooden boat, absolutely laden with sushi. He set it down between us, along with a pair of plates and some chopsticks. I looked at the utensils with not a small amount of fear. It wasn't just sushi that was new for me.

Victoria must have noticed because she smiled at me knowingly. "Need help?"

"No," I lied.

"Hold one of them like you would a pencil. You're an artist, you should have great hand dexterity." Once again, Victoria winked at me, and I felt my face go beet red as I held the first chopstick in position. "Then you just tuck the other one like so and..." She demonstrated for me, then clicked the two sticks together with a nod. I did the same, with far less skill. "You'll get it with some practice. And uh... it looks like we've got plenty of food to test it on."

For a while, we lapsed into more normal conversation. Victoria pointed out various bits of sushi and sashimi and told me I needed to try them. The next surprise of the evening was when she took a piece up in her chopsticks, then added a bit of wasabi. Rather than put it to her own lips, she held it up in front of me. She was smiling, but also blushing a bit. "C'mon~"

"I-I'm not very good with spicy stuff..." I mumbled, trying to come up with an excuse to not participate in this most embarrassing of date activities. But Victoria gave me the puppy dog eyes and I just didn't have the power to stand against it. I parted my lips and she cautiously guided it into my mouth. It wasn't nearly as bad as my brain expected. But I was still a bit of a baby and my mouth was steadily growing quite warm. "Oh goodness. That's good but... I-I just don't think I'm much of a spice girl."

I didn't realize why at the time, but my use of the phrase 'spice girl' had caused Victoria to erupt in peals of laughter.

At the end of our meal, she pulled one last power move and asked the waiter if we could buy the boat our food arrived on. He looked surprised by the request and quickly went in search of someone who could help answer it. It took some time, but less than I would have expected. She didn't let me hear his response, only nodding in agreement to... whatever he whispered to her.

The next thing I knew, we were leaving the restaurant for her car, and I had a carved bamboo boat in my arms, a souvenir of our date. I went to climb in the passenger seat, but she stopped me. "We're just dropping this off. We've still got somewhere we need to go~"

* * *

It could have just been the road trip. It could have just been the lovely dinner. But Victoria wasn't done yet. I stood staring at the signs on the building in front of me, staring in disbelief. "...Hans Swarzheim? _T-The_ Hans Swarzheim??"

"When you agree to a date with Victoria Chase, you get the five-star treatment." She was so proud of herself. And I couldn't blame her. This was above and beyond my every expectation. "To be fair, I didn't know you would be fangirling over the guy. But I figured, y'know, you're a violinist. And he's got a pedigree. So it would be exciting regardless."

'Exciting' was an understatement. I had only ever been to one proper orchestra performance before that wasn't a local kind of symphony. This was not only a group of actual professionals, but a guest performance by someone I admired! Accidental or not, Victoria had just made my first proper date an impossible bar to meet for anyone else to ever meet. "I-I'm not just a fangirl! I mean, he's a big name, and a huge talent, and I'm going to hear him _live_! This is... incredible." I wrapped around her arm, gripping her elbow. Looking around me, I felt a bit underdressed. Most of the other women around us were dressed more like Victoria than me. But her eyes weren't on them. She was focused almost completely on me.

"Come on," she said to me, voice laced with a bit of honey. "Let's get to our seats so we can get comfortable."

The concert was everything I could have asked for and more. They played the classics. They played Philip Glass. They played John Williams. They played my heart strings. Hans Swarzheim was stellar and I couldn't tear my eyes off of him.

By the end, I was... actually crying a little bit. And while the Victoria of a month ago might have chided me or mocked me for such a display, she was now completely warm and understanding. She held my hand, squeezing it occasionally, offering me little smiles and nods.

When it was all over, we walked to her car without talking much. It was a beautiful night and she had been a perfect date the entire time. As I sat down in the passenger seat, I let loose with a rather impressive yawn. Victoria just laughed softly and leaned in toward me. "Feel free to pass out for a while if you need to. It's a bit of a drive and I'm the only one who needs to be conscious." She was right there, and being quite thoughtful, and I was drunk with good feelings and delicious sushi and wonderful tea. The music continued to ring in my mind, and I was a bit giddy. So I went for it, I closed the distance between us and pressed my lips to hers. It wasn't as good as our kiss in the hall, but it seemed unlikely anything would match that.

"I know things have been... strange and all. But I really hope they'll calm down from here on out. I think you're right, it would be nice if you could become more of a part of our group. B-But even if you don't, that's okay too..." I was tired and not being particularly coherent at the moment. She made a good point, getting some rest would probably be a good idea. "Thank you, for everything. This has been a great day." I nestled more into my seat and before I even knew it I was passing out.


	13. It's the First Day of a New Life With Me

_As with the first chapter, the inspiration for a good chunk of this came from some[truly wonderful fanart](https://lifeisfineandnothinghurts.tumblr.com/post/131599082581/last-night-made-me-sad-so-i-decided-to-draw-all) by tumblr user lifeisfineandnothinghurts._

* * *

"Kate. I'm having another party this weekend. My parents really seem to be foolishly trusting me lately." Rachel paused, staring off into the middle distance. Then she looked at me with more intention than maybe I'd ever seen from anyone. "I... want you to invite Victoria."

* * *

"So um. There's... going to be a party. Saturday. Do you... Well. Rachel asked you to be there."

I got a look, not unlike the one I'd received from Rachel. Serious, thoughtful. Finally, Victoria nodded, a slight smile playing on her lips. "Yeah. Okay."

* * *

I found myself reflecting with some amusement that that I was already attending my second party ever, and it had only been a few weeks. I'd barely been at Blackwell two months and already I seemed so different.

When Victoria walked through the front door of the house, I held my breath. This was the first time that she would be interacting with everyone else after our big date. I started walking over to greet her, thinking that perhaps I might be able to act as a mediator. But I felt Chloe's hand rest on my shoulder, holding me in place. "They're big girls. We need to let them do this alone, or it'll never be fixed."

"What... happened?"

She just laughed softly and sighed. "Let's go get something to drink and I'll tell you all about it."

* * *

I don't think I could have ever expected such a tense rivalry to spring from something so... mundane. Rachel had the lead in a play their sophomore year, and Victoria was her jealous understudy.

"Well... that's not particularly drama-worthy..." I sipped slowly at my beer, not understanding the appeal, but wanting to try it anyway.

Chloe's face darkened just a little bit. "Yeah, but then uhh... Victoria attempted to drug her tea, knock her out of commission until the play was over, so she'd have to be able to fill in."

Currently draping her legs across my lap, Max gave a soft gasp. "Holy shit, she did?"

"Well." She cleared her throat softly, looking a bit more embarrassed now. "Uh. I kinda convinced Rachel to get back at her for trying that by... drugging _her_ tea instead. And she listened, so the two of us are guilty for not exactly de-escalating the situation. Basically it all spiraled from there. Shitty behavior, stupid pranks, all the usual. A butterfly flaps its wings and a monsoon destroys a town or whatever." Chloe reached over, gently petting me on the head. "Who knows what might have happened to them if it weren't for you? Maybe they'd hate each other forever. But now, they've got a halfway decent chance at reconciling, if they can swallow their pride."

The beer may not have been particularly good, but I drank more of it than I expected to, and I was feeling pleasantly warm and fuzzy. So maybe Chloe's words hit me a little harder than they might have otherwise. "You really think so? I-I mean that's not what I was trying to do at all!"

Max just smiled warmly like she always did. "Doesn't matter if you meant to do it or not. But it's happening, and that's pretty amazing."

* * *

At some point, Chloe decided it was time to see what the situation was like outside. As she headed for the back door, she made a small motion, little more than a tilt of her head, toward Victoria's friends. Courtney and Taylor went with her, out onto the back porch.

In the meantime, Max and I continued to make ourselves at home on the couch. Her legs were still draped across my lap, and it was incredibly comfortable.

"So. What're you thinking?"

I didn't immediately know how to respond to the question, because I wasn't entirely sure what she was referring to. My head cocked to the side curiously. "About?"

She shrugged, suddenly looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. "Um. Everything? With like... us?"

Oh. I was blushing too, nervously clearing my throat, and drinking even more beer even if it wasn't my favorite. Just to have something to do. "I think I still... don't completely know. I-I mean, Rachel and Chloe are great! And I like them both so much. And Victoria is really determined to sweep me off my feet at every opportunity. But um..." I played with a loose bang, a smile uncontrollably spreading across my lips. "You were the first. From day one, you were so nice and friendly. And so sweet and..."

"And so into you..." she mumbled.

"R-Really?? Just like that?"

"What can I say, you're Kate Marsh. You're great. Everyone loves you. But it is nice to know that I'm special."

I gave an overly girlish giggle, leaning over to nuzzle my nose against hers. It was absolutely saccharine and utterly perfect.

Our adorable moment was interrupted when Chloe came stumbling back into the living room with Courtney and Taylor in tow. All three of them were laughing brightly. At first I thought it might have been a shared joke between the three of them, or perhaps they were simply drunk. But judging by how fast she was rushing over to me and Max, it seemed like Chloe had something to share. Even so, there were several seconds where she fought to catch her breath through her giggles. "They're making out!"

"Sorry what?" Max's jaw was practically in my lap.

"Sorry, what?" I repeated, just as shocked.

"I guess they were splitting a joint to try and ease up the tension. And then when they started getting into it, they were sobbing and over-sharing, and now they're just... they're just... making out." Taylor sounded a tiny bit exhausted, but also maybe kind of relieved. Considering the conversation we'd had a few weeks before, I could imagine why. Both of them had been so worried about their friend. Courtney just shrugged, bewildered.

Grinning with a great deal of self-confidence and amusement, Chloe looked between each of us. "They... Ha. They went to make up. And now they're making out! Eh?"

We were silent for a few moments, but the sheer delight on her face was enough to break the tension and soon we were all giggling brightly.

Once everything had calmed down a bit, I found myself voicing a question out loud that I normally would have only ever contemplated silently before. "Does weed really do that?"

Chloe turned to me with a bright gasp, eyes wide, possibly misreading the point of my question. "Wanna find out??"

There was a mantra rolling through my head constantly in those days, and I think maybe it kept me sane, and also kept me brave. "Why not?"

You'd swear I just told Chloe she'd won a million dollars. "Gimme five minutes. I gotta shut this party down and grab the lovebirds from outside! Don't go anywhere!"

"Where would we go?" Max asked rhetorically, though Chloe was already gone, leaving a Chloe-shaped dust cloud in her wake.

* * *

It wasn't what I thought it was exactly. But it also was exactly what I thought it was. Perhaps the setting helped. The five of us were absolutely sardined into Chloe's truck. It wasn't quite so uncomfortable as one might have predicted, but there was only just enough room, no more no less. And only that because we were all fairly comfortable with each other, to some degree.

Chloe, eager to catch up to the two blondes, had already gotten a heavy cloud of smoke going and it was filling up the cab of the truck. Eventually she passed to Max, who was also experiencing for her first time. I watched everyone with a cautious eye, trying my best to understand the process and methodology before my turn came around. She held the... cigarette? Joint? I'm still not certain about terminology...

Max took a slow drag, and immediately devolved into a coughing fit. Chloe, beaming with pride, gently patted her back a few times to help her work through the experience. "Yeup, that's about right for your first time. Don't fear the cough, that means it's working."

Rachel was giggling softly, though Victoria attempted to maintain her usual aloof demeanor. I really liked that about her. She tried so hard to be cool and impenetrable, and I think knowing that I was one of the few people who got to see under that mask... it meant a lot to me.

Before I knew it, the weed had passed to me. I felt terrified. I felt elated. I was probably already getting a contact high. But I was determined to at least try. Unfortunately, my attempt went about as well as Max's. I think, as I burst out in my own coughing fit, someone was saying something about how you're not really supposed to inhale it like that. But I couldn't be sure who said it. Only that I started to suspect the activity wasn't really for me. But it smelled nice enough, if rather strange. And my head was going comfortably fuzzy in a way that alcohol hadn't done.

With her usual royal demeanor, Victoria plucked the blunt from my hand. "Here babe, I've got you..." She took a rather long, slow smoke herself, but rather than release it, she leaned in toward me. The next thing I knew, our lips were pressed together and she was exhaling some of the smoke into my mouth. I felt as though I was noticing new things about her lips this time around that I'd never noticed before. Maybe I was imagining them. My head was filled with the impression of clouds and angels and...

Ah. Right. I was high, for certain. But the smoke felt much easier to take this way, so I couldn't really complain.

Rachel, to her credit, cooed softly, obviously having reached a kind of understanding with Victoria that mere conversation couldn't really achieve. "Her first time smoking, and her first shotgun. Vicky really is aiming to pop all your cherries, huh?" She gave a dramatic sniff, wiping an invisible tear from her eye, then glanced back at Chloe. "Our little baby's growing up..."

There was more conversation beyond that, but I started to get distracted by small details. The main thing that currently captured my attention was my own hands. I found them suddenly so fascinating. The shape of them, the movements of my fingers, the whirls of my fingerprints. My tools, my instruments, the source of touch and affection and art. There was so much power in two palms and ten digits.

I only snapped out of my reverie when I felt Max nuzzle into my gently. "Kate? You've been zoning out for like fifteen minutes." That seemed impossible, it couldn't have been more than thirty seconds. My disbelief must have been pretty plain on my face, because she began to laugh softly. "It's okay, none of us were saying anything particularly exciting. Everything okay?"

"Um..." I struggled to find some way to voice what I'd been contemplating without sounding like a maniac.

Victoria passed the joint back across the cab to Chloe, then reached down to take my hand, interlacing our fingers. "She was admiring these bad boys. Which I think I can safely say we're all guilty of~"

"Admiring _her_ fingers or admiring our _own_ fingers...?" Max asked, sounding as drowsy as all of us felt.

Chloe just shrugged. "Six of one, half dozen of the other. Being high is just kinda Like That."

Of course. That moment of social anxiety was completely unfounded. Everyone understood, for the most part. I was... normal. Or at least as normal as I needed to be. I was among friends. Among girlfriends.

Much of the rest of that night was something of a blur. We spent maybe another five minutes and maybe another two hours sitting there in that truck, enjoying our collective high and general good vibes. Then we returned to Rachel's house, cleaned up as much as five stoned teenagers were able, and then went up to her room. Rachel shared her bed with Chloe, while Victoria and I made a nest with Max on the floor next to them.

Fall wasn't even halfway through, and I already felt like such a different person from who I used to be. I was and yet was not me any longer. I was... more myself. And I realized in drowsy bliss that there was nothing wrong with that. I was surrounded with love, and that was more important than fitting any mold that might have been expected of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm going to end things here for now. This is the kind of fic I could probably just write forever, and maybe someday I'll come back and just add some drabbles here and there, a la Arcadia Gays. But for now? This is just lovely.


End file.
